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I wish I was invisible. That way, I wouldn't cause pain, or have anything painful done to me. I could just be myself.
I'm tired of hiding inside of myself. Inside my head, genitals,or my own throat. I'm exhausted from just pulling myself together. I honestly don't know what to do anymore. I feel like I am at the end of my rope, and there is a family of sharks who are at the bottom. They haven't been fed in years, and I look quite tasty. I don't want to play with the world anymore. Can I just be sent to my room in the middle of the cosmos? Or maybe thrown into a fiction book? How about in a movie?
Any of these things would be great, besides being here and alienated. The trigger was my grandmother attempting to start an arguement with my mother over her husband. This was commonplace when I was smaller. Grandma would argue with mom, and I thought mom was the bad guy. Granted, only because I was living with grandma at the time..but yeah.When I grew older, I realized my grandmother wasn't who I thought she was. I didn't know how to take it. I still do. I looked up to her. She was supposed to keep me safe, but yet she had an abusive alcoholic husband who beat her and just caused all types of chaos. She had a sister who she let watch me...who had a thing for men who liked small children. No, they weren't family oriented...they were freaking molesters. And yet...I tell her this and she alternates between telling me to GET OVER IT or I'M LYING. I've been saying the same thing since I was a child...and I am lying.
*lays down in the dust* I don't want to play anymore...
I'm tired of hiding inside of myself. Inside my head, genitals,or my own throat. I'm exhausted from just pulling myself together. I honestly don't know what to do anymore. I feel like I am at the end of my rope, and there is a family of sharks who are at the bottom. They haven't been fed in years, and I look quite tasty. I don't want to play with the world anymore. Can I just be sent to my room in the middle of the cosmos? Or maybe thrown into a fiction book? How about in a movie?
Any of these things would be great, besides being here and alienated. The trigger was my grandmother attempting to start an arguement with my mother over her husband. This was commonplace when I was smaller. Grandma would argue with mom, and I thought mom was the bad guy. Granted, only because I was living with grandma at the time..but yeah.When I grew older, I realized my grandmother wasn't who I thought she was. I didn't know how to take it. I still do. I looked up to her. She was supposed to keep me safe, but yet she had an abusive alcoholic husband who beat her and just caused all types of chaos. She had a sister who she let watch me...who had a thing for men who liked small children. No, they weren't family oriented...they were freaking molesters. And yet...I tell her this and she alternates between telling me to GET OVER IT or I'M LYING. I've been saying the same thing since I was a child...and I am lying.
*lays down in the dust* I don't want to play anymore...
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1 Comments On This Entry
I'm sorry for what you're going through Atethecookie. Just hang in there, things always eventually get better. Sending you hugs if okay 
Irishleo,
25 January 2012 - 04:50 PM
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