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I've been having moments where I blank out. Not "This is fun I am going to do this until I faint" blank out, but "I am scared, what is he going to do to me?" blank out. I am not able to tell my mom that I fear my stepdad. He's never done anything wrong to me, but I am just so blooming SCARED of him. I've been having nightmares all over again. I just feel dirty and dark, and I don't like it one bit.
I fear I am just like my attackers, so I stay the heck away from children. I pull from people so I don't "sully" them. At this moment, I just want to disappear. I've been trying to be more aware of being in my body, and it is so very very scary. My first time trying I clung onto my stuffed penguin Pablo very tight, and I proceeded to twitch uncontrollably in my legs for a while.
I've been working on actually being "there" when someone talks to me. I get so proud of myself when I can sit there and actually feel connection, but I get so very discouraged when I fail. I'm mad at my abusers. I want to tell them "You ruined my life, you killed how I see myself, and you forced me to see my body as only a means to an end!".
I only see myself as my privates, and I don't know how to stop. It makes me sad and scared and worried that I am setting myself up to be abused again. I'm really trying, I just feel like I am failing..I think?
*headdesk*
I fear I am just like my attackers, so I stay the heck away from children. I pull from people so I don't "sully" them. At this moment, I just want to disappear. I've been trying to be more aware of being in my body, and it is so very very scary. My first time trying I clung onto my stuffed penguin Pablo very tight, and I proceeded to twitch uncontrollably in my legs for a while.
I've been working on actually being "there" when someone talks to me. I get so proud of myself when I can sit there and actually feel connection, but I get so very discouraged when I fail. I'm mad at my abusers. I want to tell them "You ruined my life, you killed how I see myself, and you forced me to see my body as only a means to an end!".
I only see myself as my privates, and I don't know how to stop. It makes me sad and scared and worried that I am setting myself up to be abused again. I'm really trying, I just feel like I am failing..I think?
*headdesk*
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2 Comments On This Entry
I'm sorry for what happened to you. And I think it's natural to feel some level of disassociation after being abused. Just hang in there, and stay strong.
Irishleo,
28 September 2011 - 04:53 PM
So sorry this is happening to you. Does your mom know what happened and does she know how you feel? Keep your head up, I'm here for you!
mrsmunson2009,
28 September 2011 - 06:16 PM
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So when will this stop?(triggery so read with caution)
on Sep 27 2011 07:34 PM
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