What the heck is going on with me?!
I'm not hungry, not thirsty(anymore), and I really don't feel like doing anything fun. I just want to pull in and just alienate myself from people. I'm just so danged scared of being hurt again. Of being told "I'm here for you" and then the rug gets pulled from under me. I don't want to be so needy of attention, or affection but I am. I like being held and so on.
My cat has noticed my mood too. He's been waking me up later(thank goodness) and napping with me. I don't feel lonely, I just really hurt on the inside right now. I want to feel better, but I know it is a process(dagnabit!). I want my boyfriend to be okay and not have to worry about me. I want people to not feel pity but to actually freaking care about me.
But I don't know how to ask for that. I've never been at this point in my life where I am actually pursuing healing. I'm totally clueless of what to do in any area of my life. Is there an unspoken code? Is laughing okay? Am I allowed to kiss my guy? I ask because well, no one told me what healing looks like. I was told that I must be lying about all the abuse I've gone through because I smile. Which makes me facepalm. It's hard to explain to some people that I don't want to look weak in front of them. I do not want them to think that I am just a whiny brat. I want them to see me as a capable, mature adult.
But they don't get it. Or if they do, they don't want to admit "hey, I lie to myself about that too! Just be yourself!"
In this part of my life, I will say some things come more freely. I laugh more, but I also bawl more easily. I feel my lovers touch and am not so *numb*...but I want to pull away from people all the same. Everything feels so intense, so..loud.
I need a hug, a cup of tea and maybe a anti-anxiety med...