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I just keep on messing things up.

Posted by BethAnnie , 23 January 2013 · 14 views

I wonder sometimes if I will ever get to a point in my life where I will be the "normal" that other people are. Like will I ever have sex and not somehow get what I call "that baby feeling." Even as a young child I knew something was different about me but I don't remember anything ever happening. I think that if I could remember then I would know why I became a victim later in life, and to someone who I should have been able to trust. Maybe nothing happened when I was a kid, but he got me anyway. To know that he is spending life in prison for the same thing to someone else does not help me. Rather, I think that if it had been a crime when it happened to me, and if I had had the courage to speak up and say MY HUSBAND IS RAPING ME that maybe that person would have been safe. I didn't say a word--hid it from everyone. Did not leave my front porch. Did not call my mother. Did not fight back after the baby died inside me. What was the point? It wasn't until my son was born that I stood up for myself. And why was it so easy to get away then? Did I really finally start to scare HIM, or had he just moved on to someone else already and didn't need me anymore?

December 2014

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