Pandora's Aquarium: the two thousand year stare - Pandora's Aquarium

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not feeling safe

20 August 2011
Posted by indigo_rainbow  
I am shaky and my stomach is sick. I feel as if one of my abusers is right in my face and I smell him there. Then I feel another one push me against the green couch and I want to throw up. I managed to take a shower today but that was not enough to make me feel "here" and awake.

I feel ~not here~ so much. I hate hate hate this. I feel...
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Tags: SI, SA, sadness, abuse, rape, emotions, PTSD, dissociation, mental illness

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dworkin <3

09 August 2011
Posted by indigo_rainbow  
"No one knew about the continuing consequences, now called post-traumatic stress syndrome, which has a nice dignity to it. How many times, after all, can one say terror, fear, anguish, dread, flashbacks, shaking, uncontrollable trembling, nightmares, he's going to kill me?"

Quoted from "Autobiography."

She captured...
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the season of waiting

05 August 2011
Posted by indigo_rainbow  
I found a sliding scale place for therapy through my local community services board.

The therapist at the CSB said that I most obviously have PTSD. Next time I go perhaps they will validate my suspicion that I have a dissociative disorder.

Does anyone else get these weird shifting feelings, as if they were made of sand and odd particles?...
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Posted by indigo_rainbow  
I need a psychologist and a psychiatrist. I have no income. So far, none of the places with a sliding scale fee will take me because I can't pay the lowest fee they require. :(

It seems like the world wants me to get worse. They want me to go without help.

What is there in this world for a young woman who has medical and psychological...
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Tags: mental illness, disability, government, psychology

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Posted by indigo_rainbow  
I'm the same as I was when I was six years old
And oh my God, I feel so damn old
I don't really feel anything
On a plane, I can see the tiny lights below
And oh my God, they look so alone
Do they really feel anything?
Oh my God, I've got to, got to, got to, got to move on
Where do you move when what you're moving from
Is...
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flood

24 July 2011
Posted by indigo_rainbow  
I became upset earlier today from something not related to my abuse. Now, the sadness has opened a floodgate. The tears won't stop. I am powerless against the waves of fear, nausea, pain.

If I blink I see The Unknowable Man, one of my rapists. He is called George yet in these moments he is monstrous and omnipresent, a Lovecraftian beast with...
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Posted by indigo_rainbow  
Our house was piled and stacked with useless things; junk and trash cluttered every inch of free space. It felt oppressive. I can't believe it took me this long to understand what was going on.

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Posted by indigo_rainbow  
Emily Dickinson wrote "there is a pain so utter, it swallows substance up." Although I do not know if she meant that to refer to the pain of abuse, it describes the anguish in my heart. I am in deep mourning. I have survived physical, emotional, and sexual abuse and rape in my life, all before the age of 19. I am now 21, unable to work...
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Tags: abuse, rape, emotions, telling, PTSD, dissociation

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Pandora's Aquarium, Inc. is not intended to be a substitute for professional assistance. All members and visitors are encouraged to establish a relationship with a trained counselor, therapist, or psychiatrist. Pandora's Aquarium, Inc. offers rape and sexual abuse survivor-to-survivor support only. Despite any qualifications staff or members possess, they are not engaged in a professional relationship with any other member. Survivors in crisis are urged to seek local help by contacting 911 or their local rape crisis center. Use of this website constitutes acceptance of the Terms of Service located here.