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there is a pain so utter

Posted by indigo_rainbow , 09 June 2011 · 44 views

Emily Dickinson wrote "there is a pain so utter, it swallows substance up." Although I do not know if she meant that to refer to the pain of abuse, it describes the anguish in my heart. I am in deep mourning. I have survived physical, emotional, and sexual abuse and rape in my life, all before the age of 19. I am now 21, unable to work or attend college, and utterly sad. If I did not have my partner to take care of, I would sleep most days, or mope in bed. I am bad at self-care.

This pain makes me forget how to wash my hair, brush my teeth, or even put on shoes. I would stumble barefoot into the street some days if not for my partner, who keeps me marginally sane. I have felt like this for a long time, since I was sixteen. I feel lost, confused, hurt.

I recently had to cut off contact with my father. I talk to my mom, but it feels superficial. I talk to my sister - my first abuser - but again, it feels contrived. I am the black sheep, the girl who cried wolf but will never be believed by her kin.

I joined an in-person support group last week. I am supposed to speak about my abuse this week. I know that I will be able to, but the words in my head push me into a deep sadness. The emotions which I have so long ignored are coming home to roost, and I am overcome with grief.

July 2016

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Recent Comments

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    indigo_rainbow - Sep 18 2014 07:53 PM
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    Thomas. - Sep 17 2014 01:32 AM
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    Cherub - Apr 02 2013 08:59 PM
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    not feeling safe
    indigo_rainbow - Aug 23 2011 08:17 AM
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    indigo_rainbow - Jul 25 2011 09:19 PM


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