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there is a pain so utter

Posted by indigo_rainbow , 09 June 2011 · 22 views


Emily Dickinson wrote "there is a pain so utter, it swallows substance up." Although I do not know if she meant that to refer to the pain of abuse, it describes the anguish in my heart. I am in deep mourning. I have survived physical, emotional, and sexual abuse and rape in my life, all before the age of 19. I am now 21, unable to work or attend college, and utterly sad. If I did not have my partner to take care of, I would sleep most days, or mope in bed. I am bad at self-care.

This pain makes me forget how to wash my hair, brush my teeth, or even put on shoes. I would stumble barefoot into the street some days if not for my partner, who keeps me marginally sane. I have felt like this for a long time, since I was sixteen. I feel lost, confused, hurt.

I recently had to cut off contact with my father. I talk to my mom, but it feels superficial. I talk to my sister - my first abuser - but again, it feels contrived. I am the black sheep, the girl who cried wolf but will never be believed by her kin.

I joined an in-person support group last week. I am supposed to speak about my abuse this week. I know that I will be able to, but the words in my head push me into a deep sadness. The emotions which I have so long ignored are coming home to roost, and I am overcome with grief.



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Recent Comments

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    scared
    indigo_rainbow - Sep 18 2014 07:53 PM
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    scared
    Thomas. - Sep 17 2014 01:32 AM
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    grief
    Cherub - Apr 02 2013 08:59 PM
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    not feeling safe
    indigo_rainbow - Aug 23 2011 08:17 AM
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    flood
    indigo_rainbow - Jul 25 2011 09:19 PM

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Pandora's Aquarium, Inc. is not intended to be a substitute for professional assistance. All members and visitors are encouraged to establish a relationship with a trained counselor, therapist, or psychiatrist. Pandora's Aquarium, Inc. offers rape and sexual abuse survivor-to-survivor support only. Despite any qualifications staff or members possess, they are not engaged in a professional relationship with any other member. Survivors in crisis are urged to seek local help by contacting 911 or their local rape crisis center. Use of this website constitutes acceptance of the Terms of Service located here.