there is a pain so utter
This pain makes me forget how to wash my hair, brush my teeth, or even put on shoes. I would stumble barefoot into the street some days if not for my partner, who keeps me marginally sane. I have felt like this for a long time, since I was sixteen. I feel lost, confused, hurt.
I recently had to cut off contact with my father. I talk to my mom, but it feels superficial. I talk to my sister - my first abuser - but again, it feels contrived. I am the black sheep, the girl who cried wolf but will never be believed by her kin.
I joined an in-person support group last week. I am supposed to speak about my abuse this week. I know that I will be able to, but the words in my head push me into a deep sadness. The emotions which I have so long ignored are coming home to roost, and I am overcome with grief.