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the two thousand year stare


dworkin <3

Posted by indigo_rainbow , 09 August 2011 · 30 views

"No one knew about the continuing consequences, now called post-traumatic stress syndrome, which has a nice dignity to it. How many times, after all, can one say terror, fear, anguish, dread, flashbacks, shaking, uncontrollable trembling, nightmares, he's going to kill me?"

Quoted from "Autobiography."

She captured succinctly my dai...


the season of waiting

Posted by indigo_rainbow , 05 August 2011 · 26 views

I found a sliding scale place for therapy through my local community services board.

The therapist at the CSB said that I most obviously have PTSD. Next time I go perhaps they will validate my suspicion that I have a dissociative disorder.

Does anyone else get these weird shifting feelings, as if they were made of sand and odd particles?



trying to find help but it seems out of reach

Posted by indigo_rainbow , 27 July 2011 · 24 views

I need a psychologist and a psychiatrist. I have no income. So far, none of the places with a sliding scale fee will take me because I can't pay the lowest fee they require. :(

It seems like the world wants me to get worse. They want me to go without help.

What is there in this world for a young woman who has medical and psychological issues that i...


some modest mouse lyrics that feel like my spiral of mental crap

Posted by indigo_rainbow , 25 July 2011 · 28 views

I'm the same as I was when I was six years old
And oh my God, I feel so damn old
I don't really feel anything
On a plane, I can see the tiny lights below
And oh my God, they look so alone
Do they really feel anything?
Oh my God, I've got to, got to, got to, got to move on
Where do you move when what you're moving from
Is yourself?
The univ...



Posted by indigo_rainbow , 24 July 2011 · 54 views

I became upset earlier today from something not related to my abuse. Now, the sadness has opened a floodgate. The tears won't stop. I am powerless against the waves of fear, nausea, pain.

If I blink I see The Unknowable Man, one of my rapists. He is called George yet in these moments he is monstrous and omnipresent, a Lovecraftian beast with only th...


realized that my parents were hoarders

Posted by indigo_rainbow , 09 June 2011 · 20 views

Our house was piled and stacked with useless things; junk and trash cluttered every inch of free space. It felt oppressive. I can't believe it took me this long to understand what was going on.


there is a pain so utter

Posted by indigo_rainbow , 09 June 2011 · 26 views

Emily Dickinson wrote "there is a pain so utter, it swallows substance up." Although I do not know if she meant that to refer to the pain of abuse, it describes the anguish in my heart. I am in deep mourning. I have survived physical, emotional, and sexual abuse and rape in my life, all before the age of 19. I am now 21, unable to work or attend c...

May 2015

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    not feeling safe
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