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the two thousand year stare



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scared

Posted by indigo_rainbow , 15 September 2014 · 59 views

I keep remembering. I don't want to remember. Lord, I don't want to remember. But if I need to, if I have to, then sit with me. Hold me, Lord. I know you're there.


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struggling; remembered some things; flashbacks

Posted by indigo_rainbow , 20 April 2013 · 62 views

I have been trying to be well, but something opened the "shoeboxes" in the closet of my mind.

:trigger:

I keep experiencing the smell and taste of blood. I don't know where it is coming from. Maybe it is all in my head. I am hurting in the places I was hurt long ago. The slightest thing, the littlest reminder brings everything back. I fe...


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grief

Posted by indigo_rainbow , 01 April 2013 · 63 views

Mother's Day is going to be a massive struggle.


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grief today

Posted by indigo_rainbow , 29 March 2013 · 57 views

I'm in the pit of despair but I can see God from down here. I can see the stars. I want to climb out today. I want to climb out forever, yet I know I will continually fall into the pit and have to keep climbing out again.

Body memories today. Flashbacks. I'm weeping inside but I am keeping it together on the outside.

I want to forgive people wh...


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feeling the monsters today, and realizing that my ex-bf was the biggest monster of all

Posted by indigo_rainbow , 12 February 2013 · 58 views

He raped me. He emotionally abused me. He hit me. I'm finally free physically from him but I'm not free of the memories. D:


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flashbacks

Posted by indigo_rainbow , 07 February 2012 · 36 views

Every little sick sensation is welling up in me today. I keep getting smells in my nose, smells of The Evilest One and others. Mini-flashbacks racing through my head. :/

 


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I'm floating in a black balloon

Posted by indigo_rainbow , 18 October 2011 · 46 views

My ED and urges to SI are taking me over today. I'm struggling but I don't have therapy again until Monday. I'm trying to go through the list of things to do instead of SI'ing that my T gave me. My mind is exhausted. Maybe I'll take my night meds early and get some rest.


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another "episode"

Posted by indigo_rainbow , 11 September 2011 · 42 views

I'm in the midst of a another dissociative episode. I am passing as fine on the outside but inside I am scared and confused. I couldn't talk about it to my partner today. I know that he wants more sex with me but I just can't do it. D: How do I tell him for the millionth time that I am a scared little girl inside who needs his support? I feel...


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had a night terror

Posted by indigo_rainbow , 05 September 2011 · 33 views

Now I am afraid to go to sleep again. It was like being r*ped and I was frozen in my bed. I feel this horrible blackness inside me and I want to hide forever. I have been avoiding people and I feel dissociated and scared all the time. Nothing feels real. D:


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not feeling safe

Posted by indigo_rainbow , 20 August 2011 · 53 views

I am shaky and my stomach is sick. I feel as if one of my abusers is right in my face and I smell him there. Then I feel another one push me against the green couch and I want to throw up. I managed to take a shower today but that was not enough to make me feel "here" and awake.

I feel ~not here~ so much. I hate hate hate this. I feel so detached...






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Recent Comments

  • Photo
    scared
    indigo_rainbow - Sep 18 2014 07:53 PM
  • Photo
    scared
    Thomas. - Sep 17 2014 01:32 AM
  • Photo
    grief
    Cherub - Apr 02 2013 08:59 PM
  • Photo
    not feeling safe
    indigo_rainbow - Aug 23 2011 08:17 AM
  • Photo
    flood
    indigo_rainbow - Jul 25 2011 09:19 PM

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