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The land of lost feelings

Posted by chelirach , 16 December 2011 · 32 views

It is strange that depression has become such a constant part of my life that I am not completely conscious of it. Sometimes I feel it, sometimes I am aware of the heaviness, but since it feels no different then what I experience every other day, it just feels like my norm.

My therapist has me doing art, she thought it would be a good way to access feeli...



Posted by chelirach , 19 November 2011 · 41 views

I don't understand it.

Why I was supposed to take the charcoal.

I don't see it as a negative, that I threw it away. I see it as a positive.

The problem is I cannot say I am glad I survived. I can say that my regret of the entire event is that I TOLD someone I had taken the pills. I feel anger actually at the part of me that wanted to live.




Posted by chelirach , 18 November 2011 · 37 views

So much is happening within my psyche I can barely keep track. I am in this transition, and at the moment parts of it feel intolerable. At the same time, it feels good, a lot of it feels like a relief. It feels like freedom, new things are opening up for me and I like it. At the same time, I hate it. None of this is really choice, it is, but it isn't,...



Posted by chelirach , 13 November 2011 · 47 views

I do not like where I am. I do not like what is happening. I want to stop it. But I can't. I am not driving it, I am not controlling it. I want it to stop. But at the same time I know this change has to happen, I know eventually it will be good. But right now within me it feels terrifying. It feels like it is threatening everything, it is actually. I...


What is missing

Posted by chelirach , 28 October 2011 · 45 views

A friend of mine told me I looked pretty today. A close friend, a woman, someone I trust an care for, who knows my stuff and has been there for me. She told me this in a completely safe and normal way.

My outward response is to say thanks and change the subject, but inside, I want to curl up into a ball and die. I feel scared, I feel dirty, I feel disgu...


Entering the depths

Posted by chelirach , 26 October 2011 · 35 views

I am more then ready. I more then need to. But every time I get there, I don't. It isn't even that I dont want to, when I am there it is as if the thoughts/words/whatever does not even come. I go completely blank.

It all gets pushed down. I cannot even feel it, or connect to it. I feel like I was when I was in denial, when i did not remember, wh...



Posted by chelirach , 27 September 2011 · 45 views

A lot of time has passed since I have blogged. For some reason, I feel like doing it again. I am not going to pretend I am back and blogging again, because I keep saying that, and then not blogging.

So much has changed in the last few months, and maybe in that change I am looking for something that I was able to rely on and use, and use that again. Somet...


Its complicated

Posted by chelirach , 07 July 2011 · 41 views

I had my first real session with my new therapist today and afterwards I had this urge to blog. Maybe I am back to this? We will see.

I am trying to see this as a gift. I am trying to see this as an opportunity. I hit such a transformation, and this is my chance to tell someone my story from the new place I am in. This is a chance for someone to get to k...


New Blog?

Posted by chelirach , in reflections 31 May 2011 · 56 views

I thought I was done with blogging and set my old blog to private. It felt right. It still feels right. I cannot imagine writing a new entry in it. I am not quite sure why, but I think it is because I am in such a different space when I was when I started it. It does not feel like me anymore

I thought I was done with blogging, but now I am second guessin...

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