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Transitions



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The land of lost feelings

Posted by chelirach , 16 December 2011 · 32 views

It is strange that depression has become such a constant part of my life that I am not completely conscious of it. Sometimes I feel it, sometimes I am aware of the heaviness, but since it feels no different then what I experience every other day, it just feels like my norm.

My therapist has me doing art, she thought it would be a good way to access feeli...


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Struggling

Posted by chelirach , 19 November 2011 · 41 views

I don't understand it.

Why I was supposed to take the charcoal.

I don't see it as a negative, that I threw it away. I see it as a positive.

The problem is I cannot say I am glad I survived. I can say that my regret of the entire event is that I TOLD someone I had taken the pills. I feel anger actually at the part of me that wanted to live.

Th...


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Medicine

Posted by chelirach , 18 November 2011 · 37 views

So much is happening within my psyche I can barely keep track. I am in this transition, and at the moment parts of it feel intolerable. At the same time, it feels good, a lot of it feels like a relief. It feels like freedom, new things are opening up for me and I like it. At the same time, I hate it. None of this is really choice, it is, but it isn't,...


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Changes

Posted by chelirach , 13 November 2011 · 47 views

I do not like where I am. I do not like what is happening. I want to stop it. But I can't. I am not driving it, I am not controlling it. I want it to stop. But at the same time I know this change has to happen, I know eventually it will be good. But right now within me it feels terrifying. It feels like it is threatening everything, it is actually. I...


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What is missing

Posted by chelirach , 28 October 2011 · 45 views

A friend of mine told me I looked pretty today. A close friend, a woman, someone I trust an care for, who knows my stuff and has been there for me. She told me this in a completely safe and normal way.

My outward response is to say thanks and change the subject, but inside, I want to curl up into a ball and die. I feel scared, I feel dirty, I feel disgu...


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Entering the depths

Posted by chelirach , 26 October 2011 · 35 views

I am more then ready. I more then need to. But every time I get there, I don't. It isn't even that I dont want to, when I am there it is as if the thoughts/words/whatever does not even come. I go completely blank.

It all gets pushed down. I cannot even feel it, or connect to it. I feel like I was when I was in denial, when i did not remember, wh...


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Time

Posted by chelirach , 27 September 2011 · 45 views

A lot of time has passed since I have blogged. For some reason, I feel like doing it again. I am not going to pretend I am back and blogging again, because I keep saying that, and then not blogging.

So much has changed in the last few months, and maybe in that change I am looking for something that I was able to rely on and use, and use that again. Somet...


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Its complicated

Posted by chelirach , 07 July 2011 · 41 views

I had my first real session with my new therapist today and afterwards I had this urge to blog. Maybe I am back to this? We will see.

I am trying to see this as a gift. I am trying to see this as an opportunity. I hit such a transformation, and this is my chance to tell someone my story from the new place I am in. This is a chance for someone to get to k...


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New Blog?

Posted by chelirach , in reflections 31 May 2011 · 56 views

I thought I was done with blogging and set my old blog to private. It felt right. It still feels right. I cannot imagine writing a new entry in it. I am not quite sure why, but I think it is because I am in such a different space when I was when I started it. It does not feel like me anymore

I thought I was done with blogging, but now I am second guessin...






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