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tired

Posted by chelirach , 22 February 2012 · 64 views

I am tired. Mostly just emotionally tired. At this point I really wish I could just quit therapy. I wish I could just quit it all. It angers me that quitting is not even really an option, I am required to be in therapy as part of my training program. I am just tired of all of it.

I don't feel safe, I don't trust, I feel like I have lost something...


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burn out

Posted by chelirach , 31 January 2012 · 62 views

I am feeling burnt out completely. I have no idea what I need to get out of it. I wish I had time to take time, but I don't. It is the way I have made things. It is not as if there is actually another choice in the matter. I am stuck where I am at the moment, and of course it is all my doing. I don't have any idea how to deal with this. I am comp...


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Fire

Posted by chelirach , 29 January 2012 · 45 views

I find myself suddenly overwhelmed with new memories. New details that complete things, give more finality and understanding to parts of my story previously dark and ambiguous. I am finding this overwhelming and am resisting the urge to just curl up under the covers for days. Not that I even have the option to do this, even if I could not resist. But it d...


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reality?

Posted by chelirach , 27 January 2012 · 36 views

It is funny how quickly I dismiss the bad side of my parents in favor of the good. I convince myself those things were not really that bad, I really do actually have decent parents. I assume I must be making it up, I am exaggerating, I am making it out to be much worse then it is. Or I am just making it all up. I had a happy childhood and good parents....


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All over the place

Posted by chelirach , 25 January 2012 · 37 views

There is so much in my head right now, I am overwhelmed by everything that is hitting me at the moment. And yet, somehow thinking of something to type is difficult. What is in my head will not form into words, I am struggling with verbalizing it. I think my tendency is to become overly analytical, analyzing myself in a clinical and professional way, using...


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In the middle

Posted by chelirach , 19 January 2012 · 48 views

At the moment I feel stuck. I feel in a place of potential, a place of transition, but am resisting the change. I am resisting the new, because of what continues to be attached to it, the feelings, the thoughts, the beliefs etc. It is not all conscious resisting, much of it I know is out of my control. The result is I do nothing.

I find myself at times...


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Memory

Posted by chelirach , 26 December 2011 · 44 views

I wish I could watch a movie of my childhood. I wish I could just see everything, see what happened, see it all, and know.

Rarely do I doubt anymore, rarely do I convince myself I am lying. But it still happens, the occasional moment where I convince myself I made it all up, I have to of, I am just a crazy liar.

I read something tonight that said if y...


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Depression/Anger

Posted by chelirach , 22 December 2011 · 33 views

I find that I tend to be one or the other, either depressed or irritable and angry. I can understand it, rationally, they are in many ways the flip side of the other, one is internalizing, one is externalizing. But what my art showed me is how often I am one or the other. Really it is a constant thing, I am just so used to it, I hardly notice

Today I hav...


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Missing

Posted by chelirach , 21 December 2011 · 37 views

Six months later I still miss my old therapist. Not as badly as I used to, the pain is not nearly as deep, but the longing is still there. Usually when I am really struggling, or coming out of an intense session with my new therapist. What I miss is the comfort. Her ability to just make me feel better. Her words, her voice, her love, her compassion. She w...


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Perseverating nothingness

Posted by chelirach , 20 December 2011 · 38 views

I perseverate about what I cannot say. About nothing really because I do not know what it is that I cannot say. It just feels like there is something, something to say, something to express, something to get out. But it does not come because I do not know what it is. I go to therapy, and we talk, we go deep as it gets, and I still leave feeling this feel...






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