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Posted by chelirach , 06 August 2014 · 64 views

I haven't been on here in forever. I haven't had the motivation or need or words to really write. That just a want where I am. But somehow I feel drawn back here, missing those I was connected too and feeling the connections still there. I feel so deep in the process so unable to describe or talk about it. It feels like a never ending web I am trying to free myself from, but I know I never really will. I think it is about learning to live with it.

I had a realization recently, I find myself in this space sometimes where I want to tell my story, all of it, with all the gory details. But I can't, I can't get it out, I can't write it I can't say it. I have written it, I have told most of it, but it is as if it can never be enough. It is as if no one really understands, no one really gets it, I can't adequately describe what it is. I believe it's the child, or children, in me crying out wanting to be heard and understood or comforted. But what they really want isn't for someone to listen to them now, what they really want is for someone to have listened to them then. They want to be protected, rescued, they want to tell decades ago, not today, they want to scream, not hold secrets and silence for so long.

My father is dead, I can't tell him even now. My mother didn't believe me when I tried to tell her, and I don't think is capable of hearing it now.

And I don't have a time machine.

There is so much grief and anger and pain. But this feels productive.

Aug 06 2014 11:42 PM

Here for you always, Chel. It is good to see you back, even if it is painful to see you struggling.

I understand your Realization. I feel that exact same way about my history. It feels wrong to want to tell it or to need to tell it, but yet, I still want to repeat it over and over. Maybe I'm hoping the ending changes? I dunno....
Aug 08 2014 06:14 PM

It's nice to see you again, I've missed seeing you around. I'm still here too and still listening any time you need.


Your realization is a good one. It sounds like a desperate yearning to be able to go back in the past and change things for yourself, to make the outcome different.


I am sorry you cannot tell your parents now. That's really hard to have to try to deal with. I can relate to some of it, it is frustrating and painful. Thinking of you.

Thank you 

Nice to come on here after so long and see you and then read that I am feeling the same way in some ways. So sad for you. I am here.

Hi chel, me too, as in been away and missed u.

December 2014

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