Pandora's Aquarium: trying - Pandora's Aquarium

I am trying to write here. Trying to find my voice. Trying to figure out how to say where I am in this process. I do not know why it has been so difficult. It seems when I sit down to write I can't or I get distracted or I do not know what to say.

I feel like I have hit some of the darkest and deepest places in my healing so far. I feel almost as if I have a road map of some kind, or a tiny light guiding me where I am going. I do not know how to get there or what is on the way, but I can see where I need to go.

I feel like I need to rewrite my story. Hand write it. I started doing this awhile ago, and then I stopped. I wasn't ready. But maybe I am now and maybe it is time to do it. Really look at it all. See what happened and understand where I am today. Find my truth and my voice

I have been so focused on external validation. So focused on the need for acceptance, on the need for others to see me. While inside I am continually beating myself up, continually undermining myself.

It needs to come from within. I have said this before but I am realizing it more. I need to come to my own truth and accept my story as my story.

Right now it seems so other. I am either overwhelmed completely by it, or I dissociate from it. I minimize it, convince myself it didn't happen or it was not that bad. I tell myself that because I am "functioning" so well it must never have happened, I would be more of a mess if it had. I find myself in search of proof when I should not need the proof. It is amazing really what I tell myself

I am the proof. I know it happened. I was there. I experienced it.

Someone said something on their blog the other day that has stuck with me for days. They said something along the lines of treating themselves the way their abusers treated them, believing what their abusers said about them. This resonated deeply within me, I feel the same. It is them I believe them I listen to and their word that feel true, not the words of those who love and support me. And I cant take what they say in because I can not get support from my mother. If she does not believe or accept me, if she does not see me, then no one can.

I don't know what I am trying to say.