tired

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tired

22 February 2012

Posted by chelirach

I am tired. Mostly just emotionally tired. At this point I really wish I could just quit therapy. I wish I could just quit it all. It angers me that quitting is not even really an option, I am required to be in therapy as part of my training program. I am just tired of all of it.

I don't feel safe, I don't trust, I feel like I have lost something, but I don't know what. A lot happened, which I cannot write about here, I am not ready. I like my new therapist, it is more about the old one, but it has contaminated the new therapy. Nothing feels particularly safe anymore. I feel terrified. I am terrified of my new therapist, I am afraid of her getting mad at me, I am afraid of her abandoning me, I am afraid of her rejecting me. I am afraid of her not liking what I say. I am afraid of her not liking me.

I feel sometimes I am saying what I think she wants to hear, like I am trying to please her, be a "good client" and do what she wants me to do. Rationally and logically I know I don't need to, but I do. There is part of me that is terrified of her, that really thinks she is going to hurt me.

I am fighting against it the best I can and losing. Right now I just want to call her and tell her I quit, find a new therapist and go through the motions.

I want to withdraw, I want to withdraw back into my shell when I let no one in. I want to go back to before, before I started all of this, back to when it was all buried. I don't want to let anyone in, I don't want to share, I don't want to express, I don't want to process. I want it all to be gone. I want to be silent.

I feel like I can dissociate from it, I can minimize it, not believe it, convince myself none of it ever happened. Or I can focus on how much I want to die, I can focus on that pain, on that option which is not really an option. But I cannot focus on it.

It paralyzes me. When I sit in the reality of it all, I freeze, I can't even think. It is a complete nothingness. It is utter hell.

I am tired of it

Sometimes I just feel to broken. I feel unrepairable, the damage is to great, the wounds are to deep. And then I get mad at myself for thinking that way, it feels like some sort of overdramatic pity party. I don't want that.

And ESU wrote a book. A book about his "religion" which he is a religious leader in. How god spoke to him and showed him this path. I have no intention of buying it or reading it, but in the description it talks about how to lead a joyful abundant life. I want to write a review, I want to say I don't think repeatedly raping children over multiple years is how to get there. But maybe thats just me?

I don't understand it, I don't understand how he can be this moral authority, others look up to him, respect him, see him as this wonderful person. How can they not see it? How can the truth not be revealed? And I feel like a coward because I am not revealing him

I am just tired.

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6 Comments On This Entry

It sounds to me like you need a break from it all. The introvert in you is screaming to recharge your batteries.

Remember that abussers are masters of manipulation and control freaks.

I hope you find the rest you need to refresh your spirit. My thoughts are with you. Be kind to yourself. Blessings as always

bellachai, 22 February 2012 - 06:32 PM

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I think you are incredibly brave for continuing therapy, and a program that requires you to be in therapy, because my one and only coping mechanism for dealing with how hard the whole therapy process can be is knowing that I can quit at any time, and flirting with the idea of quitting on a somewhat regular basis. Not because I want to quit really but because I want to know I am not being forced.

ESU's book sounds creepy, hypocritical, awful. I'm sorry he wrote it. I'm sorry you have to think about people reading it and believing his BS. Maybe you should write that review, just to get your feelings out, not for publication?

I'm here to listen to the rest of what is going on, if and when you're ready to share.

MaybeJoleisa, 22 February 2012 - 10:59 PM

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Thanks Bella. I do need a break. Which honestly feels like an impossibility. I am very skilled at making sure of that. Thank you for your words

MaybeJ thank you, it is really hard knowing I can't really quit. But I also know I can choose what I work on and talk about. That IS my choice. I may have to be in therapy, it is my choice to work on my issues. I think that is what I need to hold onto and remember?

I might write it, and just get out the feelings. I find it so disgusting. I would love just on amazon.com to write something about it. We will see

I would like to share, but don't know how comfortable I would be sharing on my blog. It feels to public.
Thank you for listening and reading

chelirach, 24 February 2012 - 06:23 PM

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Weighing in with a different perspective...while I do understand the need for a break, I get the impression you're actually making headway and it's scaring the hell out of you! (as always, ignore if I'm off base here) I don't know what has happened, but not feeling safe, not trusting, the sense of abandonment I think you must be feeling after working so closely with your old T are all very valid reasons for needing a break. I just get a sense that maybe you've come too close to a subject that scared you? Now you'd give anything to pop the genie back into the bottle!

Sending you much love! :hug:

Susan, 25 February 2012 - 10:12 PM

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I went through a period last year where I was terrified. I also felt unsafe, and afraid of my therapist, afraid she was going to hurt me. It was so very scary and so hard to continue to trust her when I was starting to feel like she was going to hurt me somehow - and it was completely irrational. It turns out I was becoming hypervigilant and seeing danger everywhere. I was starting to feel more and more unsafe. If this is what is happening with you, you need to find ways to put that to a halt. I'm not sure how, I think maybe getting yourself as grounded as you possibly can.

I think you are being really hard on yourself when you say you are having an over dramatic pity party. You aren't. You have very real trauma you have been through, and trauma by definition really hurts badly.

ESU writing a book and having people look up to him like that is disgusting. But that is what these disgusting creeps do, they are so busy looking like they are so wonderful so as to cover up what they really are. I understand you not revealing him for what he is, because I would be nervous about that too. I mean how do you go about doing that in such a way that protects you? It is something that would make you incredibly vulnerable, and that is what is so hard. We were so terribly vulnerable when we got violated by these monsters. You are not a coward, by any means. It takes so much courage having done all the work you have done in therapy. It takes courage to live when the pain gets so overwhelming. You aren't a coward. You are doing what it takes to keep yourself protected and safe and right now speaking out just isn't safe enough, it would make you too vulnerable.

I really hope you can catch a break soon and that things let up a bit. I am thinking of you.

Untangling-It-All, 26 February 2012 - 07:32 PM

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Susan you might be spot on. I think that is likely true. There are some thing that happened with my old therapist I can't discuss on here (I could in PM but not in public) but think in a way I am using that as my excuse. I think where I am at just feels very raw

Untangling, thank you for sharing your experience, I remember you going through that. I think you are right, that is how I am feeling. Thank you for saying I am not being t hard on myself.

chelirach, 27 February 2012 - 08:12 PM