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I am trying to figure out why I am having these memories NOW. I am already overwhelmed, already processing so much in therapy, I already feel like I am climbing up an enormous mountain, why is this coming in this moment?
I had an experience a few weeks ago where I was supposed to present something to a professional group I belong to. I never got the chance to present, it was essentially sabotaged by another individual. But I held my own, I stood my ground, I defended my position and my place.
I am supposed to present this Thursday, I was given another chance to do so
The other night I had a dream, where I was presenting, and no one was listening, they were all talking over me, doing their own things. Outside the window balls of fire were flying by. I was the only one who noticed.
I was debating, do I do the actual presentation without acknowledging what happened, or do I address what occurred? I have addressed it internally and am unsure if I have to towards the group, if it would be welcome or productive. I don't think it is significant, I think what is under it is the feeling.
The feeling of never being heard, the feeling of never being able to speak up, the feelings of never being able to stand up for myself. And yet I DID these things
As a young child I would act out. Apparently as a toddler I had major tantrums. As a child I would get angry, I would lash out at others, I would cry, I would scream. I have no actually memory of this, this is what I have been told. All I remember is being tormented and bullied and then yelled at. I would get into trouble. No one ever listened or heard me, listened to what I had to say. I was bad, I was wrong, I was the problem, I was useless, and worthless and my feelings didn't matter. Same old story.
The memories that are coming up connect to the one time I tried to fight back. I had lied to him once, and it worked, sort of, he still hurt me, just differently. But there was one time I tried to stand up for myself, tried to get away, tried to say no. But I was 13 years old, and he was an adult, bigger and stronger and had all of the power. I was punished for my defiance, he made sure I would never try it again. Strangely I do think it was one of the last times, if not the last time he ever did anything to me. I have memory of seeing him one more time, and then not until 12 years later at a family event. So much of that time is blank, I remember so little, so I do not know what is there. Maybe he realized I was getting older, maybe he was afraid I would tell, maybe he was afraid he would not be able to get away with it for much longer. I don't know, I will never know, and it really does not matter.
Part of what I am working on in therapy is finding my own power, my feminine power, my inner fire. I am a Leo, a fire sign, and yet these are part of myself that I reject and push away, I deny having them, I see them as negative, I struggle with even considering integrating these parts. But they are me, there are others who see them, and I can use them in positive ways, in being who I truly am my true self.
My therapist said I should do something with the fire balls before my presentation, I think i need to hold them, I don't need to lash out, I don't need to come as the wounded child who isn't listened to, I don't need to come as the child who knows she will be punished if she attempts to escape being abused. I need to hold who I am, what I do, what I believe. I am not there to convince them of anything, I am not there to get them to see it my way, I am just there to show them who I am and what it is I do, what my work is, and to respect it.
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