Rarely do I doubt anymore, rarely do I convince myself I am lying. But it still happens, the occasional moment where I convince myself I made it all up, I have to of, I am just a crazy liar.
I read something tonight that said if you are unsure if you are lying or not, then you are not lying. If you are lying, you would know it. But then I can tell myself that I really DO know I am lying, that none of it is true. But then that does not make much sense either. It leaves me stuck and lost, and as my therapist has said serves no real purpose except harm to me.
Flashes of memory still come, and I wonder at what point, if ever, I will be done remembering, and how will I know if I am? Is there a point where "this is it, this is the end" happens. And how do you know if it is?
I think sometimes I am making up more to make my story seem worse to validate myself? Which makes little to no sense, I know, on a rational level. But I wonder if I am just adding things so I dont minimize my own stuff so much, so I can prove somehow it was "that bad" because my story itself is not "that bad" But as I write that I know it isn't true?
I can barely deal with or talk about what I DO remember, it is hard to imagine there is more?
I don't know what to do with new stuff that flashes in my mind. Stuff I am convinced is nothing, it is me making it up, it is me trying to make things worse then they really are. I just need to stop it. But the more I try to do that, the more it intrudes, coming even in my dreams. One person, in particular, is scaring me. Because I know it did not happen.
I have one memory, of this person, one I do not consider abuse in any way. Uncomfortable, maybe, well it made me uncomfortable, but just because it was uncomfortable to me does not mean it was abuse. If that were true, well a LOT of things would be abuse that definitely are not. I think what happened was more of a trigger, more of a fear of what others did, would also happen. Or something. I don't know.
But then I keep having dreams of this person, dreams of this person actually abusing me. I don't know what to make of it.