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Donna Mae DePola - Guest Speaker Chat ...May 25th 2013 ... for more information please read this!
There is still plenty of time and spaces if you'd like to sign up for the Guest Speaker Chat scheduled for this Saturday!
There is still plenty of time and spaces if you'd like to sign up for the Guest Speaker Chat scheduled for this Saturday!
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I wish I could watch a movie of my childhood. I wish I could just see everything, see what happened, see it all, and know.
Rarely do I doubt anymore, rarely do I convince myself I am lying. But it still happens, the occasional moment where I convince myself I made it all up, I have to of, I am just a crazy liar.
I read something tonight that said if you are unsure if you are lying or not, then you are not lying. If you are lying, you would know it. But then I can tell myself that I really DO know I am lying, that none of it is true. But then that does not make much sense either. It leaves me stuck and lost, and as my therapist has said serves no real purpose except harm to me.
Flashes of memory still come, and I wonder at what point, if ever, I will be done remembering, and how will I know if I am? Is there a point where "this is it, this is the end" happens. And how do you know if it is?
I think sometimes I am making up more to make my story seem worse to validate myself? Which makes little to no sense, I know, on a rational level. But I wonder if I am just adding things so I dont minimize my own stuff so much, so I can prove somehow it was "that bad" because my story itself is not "that bad" But as I write that I know it isn't true?
I can barely deal with or talk about what I DO remember, it is hard to imagine there is more?
I don't know what to do with new stuff that flashes in my mind. Stuff I am convinced is nothing, it is me making it up, it is me trying to make things worse then they really are. I just need to stop it. But the more I try to do that, the more it intrudes, coming even in my dreams. One person, in particular, is scaring me. Because I know it did not happen.
I have one memory, of this person, one I do not consider abuse in any way. Uncomfortable, maybe, well it made me uncomfortable, but just because it was uncomfortable to me does not mean it was abuse. If that were true, well a LOT of things would be abuse that definitely are not. I think what happened was more of a trigger, more of a fear of what others did, would also happen. Or something. I don't know.
But then I keep having dreams of this person, dreams of this person actually abusing me. I don't know what to make of it.
Rarely do I doubt anymore, rarely do I convince myself I am lying. But it still happens, the occasional moment where I convince myself I made it all up, I have to of, I am just a crazy liar.
I read something tonight that said if you are unsure if you are lying or not, then you are not lying. If you are lying, you would know it. But then I can tell myself that I really DO know I am lying, that none of it is true. But then that does not make much sense either. It leaves me stuck and lost, and as my therapist has said serves no real purpose except harm to me.
Flashes of memory still come, and I wonder at what point, if ever, I will be done remembering, and how will I know if I am? Is there a point where "this is it, this is the end" happens. And how do you know if it is?
I think sometimes I am making up more to make my story seem worse to validate myself? Which makes little to no sense, I know, on a rational level. But I wonder if I am just adding things so I dont minimize my own stuff so much, so I can prove somehow it was "that bad" because my story itself is not "that bad" But as I write that I know it isn't true?
I can barely deal with or talk about what I DO remember, it is hard to imagine there is more?
I don't know what to do with new stuff that flashes in my mind. Stuff I am convinced is nothing, it is me making it up, it is me trying to make things worse then they really are. I just need to stop it. But the more I try to do that, the more it intrudes, coming even in my dreams. One person, in particular, is scaring me. Because I know it did not happen.
I have one memory, of this person, one I do not consider abuse in any way. Uncomfortable, maybe, well it made me uncomfortable, but just because it was uncomfortable to me does not mean it was abuse. If that were true, well a LOT of things would be abuse that definitely are not. I think what happened was more of a trigger, more of a fear of what others did, would also happen. Or something. I don't know.
But then I keep having dreams of this person, dreams of this person actually abusing me. I don't know what to make of it.
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Some of my flashes of memory are of events not seeming to relate to the abuse so I wonder if it is an experience prior or after the abuse event and my mind is slowly preparing me for the actual abuse eveent. IKN It scares me as I am afraid to remember anymore and just maybe I don't really want to know anymore than I do.
I hope working through this does not cause you too much pain.
Blessings
I do relate to this quite a bit, as well, and am sorry you are having such a difficult time with all of it right now. Just keep in mind, you would feel it in your gut, if you were making some-thing up. There is no way you wouldn't know it be-cause the truth has a way of feeling right and true in your body when you speak it. I know it's a scary place to be and it'll be easier to pretend you are saying some-thing for effect, or lying about it wholly, but I think by acknowledging it, you might get a break from the power these memories have over you....
Take care, Chel. Hope you'll be able to figure all of it out sooner rather than later. In the mean-time, we are here and listening.