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Today I have been pissed. Just completely and utterly angry and doing my best not to unleash it on loved ones. But find other ways to release it. Maybe there is a reason I love angry birds :)/>
I feel more comfortable being depressed then angry. I can be angry at myself, I can loathe myself. But anger at others, feels scary. It feels wrong, it feels like I am asking for pity or whining or something
But the reality is I have every right to be angry
But writing that sentence makes me cringe. The messages follow "get over it" "It wasn't that bad" "stop the pity party" etc. Things I would never think about someone else, but for me, no, no anger. Be the bigger person or BS such as that.
The other day in therapy I made a comment that my family was not that bad. And on some level, I truly believe that. But my therapist gave me that look the "really? Um no they really WERE that bad" look. So yes, I suppose I have a right to be angry. Why is admitting that so hard, why is holding that reality so hard?
So not only do I have my childhood ripped away from me, but I have to feel guilty about feeling the way I feel about it?
This sucks and I am tired of it. I am tired of this being my life, I am tired of being the one who has to feel this way, I am tired of being controlled by this. I didn't do anything. This was done TO me.
And I hate feeling like that, I hate being in this "oh poor me, look at these horrible things that happened to me, look at my suffering" mode. It feels wrong.
But wow there is so much anger there.
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