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I really like my new therapist. She is great. That is not what it is about. She is just different. And I like the ways she is different. I like her way of interacting with me, she is caring, she is warm in her own way. She is incredible grounded, she just feels solid. She knows herself, she knows her stuff, and seems just completely conscious in a way my old therapist did not. But she does not feel guarded, I can feel her vulnerability, I can feel who she is. I like the feeling, I like being in her office, I like being with her.
She has a way of pointing things out to me that I was completely unaware of, reframing things in a way that suddenly make sense. I like that her boundaries are different, I like that she is more private I like that she does not enter the work the way my old therapist did, she is there, but separate. With my old therapist it sometimes felt there was no separate. We were in it together. My new therapist is there with me, but not. If that makes sense. I cannot really describe it
It actually helps me go deeper, into things I could never go into with my old therapist. I don't worry like I used to, about how she feels or how she might respond. It feels more about me, where with my old therapist it felt about us. My old therapist was more relational, more apt to share her feelings or stuff about herself. Which was fine, it was what I needed. But it also got in the way at times, of my process. I know this is mostly about me mostly my projections and experience. My new therapist is different, she shares rarely, and usually about training, since it is a common experience. It actually makes me uncomfortable when she shares something personal. She is deep, she gets me, I am doing good work with her. It is a good process.
But none of that changes missing my old therapist. I wish she had never moved. I wish she was still here, that she was still my therapist. I saw her in October at a conference. We have emailed some. I will see her in April at another conference. We are supposedly moving into a friendship. But it is not the same. None of it will ever be the same
I am not sure where I am going with this. Just that I wish I no longer felt this. It just feels unfair in a lot of ways. It makes me feel very alone.
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