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Why I was supposed to take the charcoal.
I don't see it as a negative, that I threw it away. I see it as a positive.
The problem is I cannot say I am glad I survived. I can say that my regret of the entire event is that I TOLD someone I had taken the pills. I feel anger actually at the part of me that wanted to live.
The obvious answer...I should have taken it because it was good for my body is not an answer to me. The hatred I feel towards my body makes this seem irrelevant.
Last night I had a dream I was trying to get out of this complex (love the language of dreams), and I could see the exit but it was above me, I could not get there. And I was eating this meal, and someone kept paying for it for me, with 6 dollar bills. Then there was something about pretending to be catholic, and wearing all white and worrying that because I was in all white, people would notice that I was trapped. This was dangerous.
I wish I could talk to my therapist, right now, I wish I was with my old therapist who I could jus email her any time I wanted to. I need her. I need something. I have my therapists cell phone, but I dont think I can call her. I dont feel comfortable.
I dont know what to do
I just want an answer to my question....why should I have drank the charcoal? An answer that actually makes sense.
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