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13 November 2011

Posted by chelirach

I do not like where I am. I do not like what is happening. I want to stop it. But I can't. I am not driving it, I am not controlling it. I want it to stop. But at the same time I know this change has to happen, I know eventually it will be good. But right now within me it feels terrifying. It feels like it is threatening everything, it is actually. I don't like it. I know this needs to happen, I know that this will open up so many things for me. But it is so far beyond where I am comfortable,

I have not come this far to stop now. I know I could not stop, even if I tried. But right now I want to turn around and run as fast as I can from all of this. It is huge and terrifying. I cannot even really comprehend what it means for me. It does not feel good right now, it does not feel safe. It feels like annihilation.

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4 Comments On This Entry

You DO have the choice to take a step back from this if you want to. Keep that in mind. But keep in mind also that there is something else I see in this post-- almost a wish to run towards this and tackle it, rather than run away from it. It seems you want both things at once. From here it is just a matter of deciding which you want more. Take care of yourself, and remember no matter what you choose, you ARE safe, this is NOT annihilation.

MaybeJoleisa, 13 November 2011 - 11:00 PM

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Fear of the unknown is really scary. Your past is already dead and it sounds as if you are getting ready to let it rest in peace and that will change your life in the now. Something better, something different and something new. Something unknown to you. Scary stuff. A huge step and it is okay to step back until you catch your breath and decide what direction to take. You are safe.

Blessings

bellachai, 14 November 2011 - 09:21 AM

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You sound so scared. I am so sorry, I wish you didn't have to feel this fear. Can you print this out and share it with your therapist? Have her help you feel a bit more safe?

Untangling-It-All, 14 November 2011 - 08:52 PM

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MaybeJ thank you or the reminder. It does not feel like a choice, it feels like I am being driven, but I could back away. I think you are right, it is wanting both. It is knowing I need to do it but being terrified of what it means. Thank you for telling me I am safe and that it is not annihilation. It feels that way

Bellachai thank you. Thank you for teling me I am safe and for your words

Untangling, I did share these feelings with my therapist, and they have been coming through my dreams. This is all so shaky and scary and new. I appreciate your support and being there.

chelirach, 18 November 2011 - 05:09 PM