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It all gets pushed down. I cannot even feel it, or connect to it. I feel like I was when I was in denial, when i did not remember, when I had convinced myself I was just over it and it did not impact me. It feels horrible. It feels false and inauthentic. It isn't real, it is fake and fake feelings.
Then I leave and I feel disappointed. I feel like nothing got accomplished. I feel like what we are talking about, barely scratches the surface. Then I start worrying that she is not really the right therapist for me. That it is a bad therapy, that it is not going to work and it is going to end badly. I do a pretty good job of convincing myself of this. I am good at compiling the evidence that this is true.
Except it isn't. It is my way of rejecting her, if I believe this, then I don't have to enter the depths. I don't have to do the work.
She really is a good therapist. And the right therapist for me
So I just need to do it. And let her know I need to do it. I wish it were that simple
It is hard to know what to say, or how to say it. It is hard especially since she is so new to me, she does not know me in the way my old therapist did. I could enter her office and I was just there. I have not gone there with this person, so I dont know it. It makes it strange and awkward and I dont know what to say, or how she will respond.
I need to just let it come when it does, but what if it never happens?
I am sick and tired of the months that this has been an issue.
It is odd because the things I want to enter are not new, but at the same tme, new. It is entering it at a different place, from a different place, and I am not entirely sure what that means. When I can say the little I can, I find it different. She pushes me more, I say the words, I tell her things, or want to tell her things I never told my old therapist. I am not the same person
And I think in many ways that is the real struggle, I do not know what it is like to do the work as the person I am now. I have never done it. And I have never done it with this therapist. So I do not even know how
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