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Its complicated

Posted by chelirach , 07 July 2011 · 37 views

I had my first real session with my new therapist today and afterwards I had this urge to blog. Maybe I am back to this? We will see.

I am trying to see this as a gift. I am trying to see this as an opportunity. I hit such a transformation, and this is my chance to tell someone my story from the new place I am in. This is a chance for someone to get to know where I am from this vantage point.

I do know it was right to end with my therapist, even if the ending was forced. I do know our work was done.

Knowing that does not take the pain away. For the past week since we officially ended it has been hitting me in waves, intense pain where I just cannot believe it is really over. It seemed to strange today to be sitting in a different office, with a different therapist. It does not feel real.

I hate having to go through it again. I hate having to tell her things that my old therapist already knows. I hate having to re-explain, re-describe, give her information that my old therapist already knew. I hate the process of starting over. I wish there was a way of starting in the exact place my old therapist and I left off. I wish I could just jump right in. I am hating this, I am hating this process.

my old therapist and I are friends now, and I am feeling all confused. she told me that she wanted to know how the session goes, and I know she cares, I know she loves me, and I know she feels protective of me. I know part of it is wanting to make sure I am okay. But it feels confusing. My temptation is to tell her everything we talked about, and everything we did not get to talk about. Tell her my dreams, tell her all the things I told my new therapist. I can't do that. I mean I COULD, but I can't. It is to confusing. I worry it might contaminate the new, that her presence might get in the way of my new therapy.

It is to easy to compare, it is to easy to idealize the old therapist and push away the new one. It is to easy to still interact with my old therapist as if she is my therapist. I do not yet know how to interact with her another way. I don't know how to figure it out.

I hate this, but I am wondering if my old therapist and I need a break from each other. If we need time to separate, to figure out our friendship and to move away from the analytic relationship. She brought it up awhile ago actually, that we might need that in this transition. Just space away. I think she might be right.

I need to figure out where I am in order for this to work. I am feeling so terrified that this is not going to work. That I am going to be lost without a therapist who works for me.

I am terrified thinking she isn't going to believe me, I am minimizing everything and thinking it was not that bad, I am terrified she is thinking right now that she agrees with my mother.

I just wish I still had my old therapist. I really just wish I could go to her office...which does not even exist anymore...curl up on her couch, and cry with her next to me.

Chel, I was literally obsessed with a former (male) psychiatrist and was shattered when he terminated treatment with me (he later took it back, long story) so I know what that feels like and then some. If you feel like some seperation is needed to sort of redefine your roles then probably won't hurt. I am glad you have found a new therapist, hang in there, even if this is not the right one right off the bat. Take care and glad you are back writing here again.
Jul 07 2011 07:37 PM
This sounds so hard and so difficult, and so painful. I am sorry.
Thanks Zelda, I think that is where we are both at. I have to see. As for writing, I think I am, I tend to get into it, and then stop. We'll see!

Thanks Untangling. For your support

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