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Susan likes this

frustration

17 January 2013
Posted by chelirach  
I feel incapable and useless at the moment, frustrated with myself. I waste hours of time when I have tons of things to do but I cannot seem to get things done. It is lie I am paralyzed and time flies by and I am not even certain where it goes.

There is so much I want to get out, but I can't, the thoughts in my head will not form into words...
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Not sure what to call this

05 December 2012
Posted by chelirach  
It has been awhile since I posted here. I cannot remember the last time. I have been here occasionally, lurking, but I cannot bring myself to reply or comment or post anything. I am not entirely sure why. So I apologize. It feels a little weird to come back here asking for support, or people to read this, when I have not been there for others at...
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Writing

13 June 2012
Posted by chelirach  
Here is what I wrote yesterday and today. I decided to type it all out then handwrite it. I don't think I am ready for handwriting yet. Of course I took out anything identifying

TW I suppose

I met him when I was 6. He was my dad's girlfriend at the times brother. My future step uncle. . I liked him immediately. He was nice, he was...
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Little Pieces

12 June 2012
Posted by chelirach  
I am in a strange place that I cannot really define. I feel stuck in the middle of something uncertain of how to move forward or what to do. I make starts and come up blank. It is bizarre I have been oddly motivated and productive lately in certain areas of my life. But I don't feel like I have, I don't feel good about it. If anything I...
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Joyful Child

06 June 2012
Posted by chelirach  
Recently I was told by someone that when I am in a certain place I do not have to be a joyful child. Sorry for the vagueness there, just trying to say something without revealing to much.

My mother constantly tells me that I was the child she was supposed to enjoy. I suppose she did not enjoy my sister either. But she was supposed to enjoy me,...
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trying

05 June 2012
Posted by chelirach  
I am trying to write here. Trying to find my voice. Trying to figure out how to say where I am in this process. I do not know why it has been so difficult. It seems when I sit down to write I can't or I get distracted or I do not know what to say.

I feel like I have hit some of the darkest and deepest places in my healing so far. I feel...
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truth

02 May 2012
Posted by chelirach  
I dont want to touch this feeling. I want to deny. I want to not think about it. I want to forget. I want to pretend that I had a happy childhood. I want to pretend that I had parents who loved me and cared about me and protected me. I want to pretend I was a normal little girl who had tea parties and played with dolls. I want to pretend I was a...
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Untitled

24 March 2012
Posted by chelirach  
I feel like nothing is ever going to change, like nothing is ever going to be any different. I feel like it isn't getting any better, like it is never going to get any better. I am tired, emotionally tired, I am tired of being me, I am tired of feeling like a complete freak, a reject, I am tired of how much I hate myself. This isn't going...
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tired

22 February 2012
Posted by chelirach  
I am tired. Mostly just emotionally tired. At this point I really wish I could just quit therapy. I wish I could just quit it all. It angers me that quitting is not even really an option, I am required to be in therapy as part of my training program. I am just tired of all of it.

I don't feel safe, I don't trust, I feel like I have lost...
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burn out

31 January 2012
Posted by chelirach  
I am feeling burnt out completely. I have no idea what I need to get out of it. I wish I had time to take time, but I don't. It is the way I have made things. It is not as if there is actually another choice in the matter. I am stuck where I am at the moment, and of course it is all my doing. I don't have any idea how to deal with this. I...
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