Today is a new day .
Relationships & Love:
I am now single, and I feel 'free'. The weight of being by the phone has gone. The perpetual fear of dissapointing him, has gone. The anxiety of 'yes but, what next, where is this going?' has gone. But I am not without remorse. Though, I do not have regret.
Work & Career:
I have approximately 2.5 weeks left in my current Temporary Role. I hope to find something else to tie in with it's end. And, I have realised something. Right now, it does not matter what I 'do' for money, as long as it is in line with my morals, ethics and I feel safe. I just want a role that is not demanding. I want to continue being gentle on myself. Who knows? Maybe, I will continue being gentle on myself, for the rest of my life! And, is that so bad? I think not .
I decided to remain in this mid-sized city. I have a cute, safe flat near the beach for a fair price - and I have a support network. I toyed with the idea of running off with my ex, or to another Capital City with friends, but I know that right now, the situation I am in is best for me and my well-being. Sometimes, what we want is different to what we need - it takes maturity to accept that, and it IS for you well-being when you take what you need .
Are still nutty as bat-shit (as always). But, I love them. My extended family however, they still interrupt and interfer with our lives. As some of you know, my mother was molesterd by her older brother growing up and, being in a large critically Catholic family of 10, well, the mother did not know (or did she?). Now that she does, of course, she is UNSUPPORTIVE, as are the other 9 children. So naturally, I keep my distance. My mother however, finds it hard to pull away because well - they manipulated her for so long and it IS still her family. *Sigh*. That extended family is STILL a MAJOR source of grief, for me. I cannot stand them.
My Goal (capital G for importance ) is to venture to Thailand this December over Christmas and New Years. As mentioned - it's unimportant whether that's secured by Credit Card, Good Will or Savings - so long as I GO! I believe that I have worked hard on myself and what was thrown my way so - I'm due for some self lovin' I think!
Pandy's is my main source of friendship - on a very real and hearty level. I have a few good friends who are scattered across Australia and the world, but I must say, predominately - it's on here that I find refuge, resolve and revitalisation for my soul. Thankyou xo
I can confidently say that I have de-cluttered a lot of my life. Tangiably and In-tangiably. I've retracted from destructive relationships (Huss & 3 friends), set boundaries with unhelpful people (former employer and ex-friend), started to address my finances and literally tidied up my place ( my little flat). And you know, they are big things to me! Things which I secretly wanted to do Post-Assault, but did not have the strength, will or resources to enforce. It took time. Inside, I knew what I wanted. I knew how I wanted my life to look, feel and smell to get me on the Road to Recovery. But it took time. And that is why I think people call us Survivors 'Strong', because on a emotional and social level - we mature. And for that, I am grateful. Though admittedly, it can be a lonely feeling. That is why forums such as this are so integral to my Healing process.
I think of my Healing as House. I am inside the House and it is Dusty, Dirty, but still functional. So, I employ my friends from Pandy's to help me tend to the Home, as I do to theirs. Many hands make light work
Love Abby xo