Pandora's Aquarium: 5~24~2011 - Pandora's Aquarium

I haven't wrote here for a little bit...it's been on my mind everyday and I know I'm starting to open up but having to sit and write makes it hard too it helps I think to get it out but I don't know maybe I'm just afraid to deal with everything that I've spent so long trying to put behind me. I guess some things you just can't put behind you without dealing with them. Maybe this doesn't make sense to anyone else sometimes it doesn't even make sense to me. I guess I'm just doing some much needed rambling today. I am happy with my husband and our family and I know this is the first time I've had anything stable a stable home, stable relationship, stable life in general and I'm so thankful it's really what I have needed for so long and not one day goes by that I don't appreciate what I have. I don't know whats wrong with me. I just feel like there is something wrong with me like I'm so damaged I used to live by the saying 'thank god you can change the outside the inside is beyond repair' and now to think that I am repairable is just like almost impossible in a way.

I don't know I look at my husband and think how could he want to be with someone like me? A recovered alcoholic, recovered addict, ex stripper, ex several other things it's just so hard to believe. I worry that one day this will just be a dream and I will wake up and be back in hell. I never used to be afraid to die I used to think that there could never be anything worse now I look around and I am so scared that this is just one big dream that there is no way that my life could turn out like this. It's been four years this year that my husband and I have been together and the first time that I've ever felt safe and it's so weird sometimes I can feel so safe and other times I catch myself wondering if I should let my gaurd down this much allow myself to give him my heart this might not be my first husband or boyfriend but my husband is the first man I've ever ever let into my heart and soul ever nobody else ever even saw beyond the surface and now I catch myself questioning taking my walls down and it's not him and it's not our relationship everything is great there wonderful actually it still suprises me...but I feel like I must be so screwed up to think this way to always worry when my gaurds down and I feel like it's not fair to my husband in a way but I'm so torn I never used to worry like this but I always hid behind substances and alcohol and never opened up to anyone now I don't hide behind anything and I've opened up I do notice that

I worry more than I ever have maybe it's because I do love him and our family and I feel like I'll do something to screw it up somehow I can't ever do anything right at all I'm so used to the ground dropping out that why wouldn't it the one time in my life I was happy? I know I worry too much. I just want that to let up too. I don't know anymore I feel like maybe sometimes they'd be better off without me....now for the first time telling someone about the things that have happened to me in my past my husband is who encouraged me to get online and look for support and I'm so glad I found this community...it's just really hard he's the first person I told and now I feel like I need to talk but I don't know how to talk and I feel like everything I've been thru I've always just said other people have it worse and never let myself cry never let myself feel the pain...I just blew everything off like it wasn't a big deal and now not living in that lifestyle it's like my whole world has been turned upside down why it's taken me so long to realize maybe its taken the last few years to sink in that this is the way life can really be good and wholesome but if thats true then I really did live with monsters I dated monsters I saw the things they did and it worries me does that make me one for not stopping them? Should I have sacrificed my life to potentially have saved another from being destroyed? Should I have let myself cry over the rapes and assaults? Or should I have done what I did several times, get cleaned up and go back to work? So many different thoughts right now it's so hard to deal with. I don't know it's like finally things are hitting me like a brick wall and it is like everything that I knew and thought life was about and what went along with it went out the window since I've been with my husband everything changed yes for the better but it's a huge adjustment.

I think about all the broken bones, I still remember the feel of the cold steel in my mouth, against my head, the knives sinking into my flesh, I remember to me that was just life fighting for life was life everyday and now it's not that way when I need a hug I get one when I need to cuddle I get it and theres no violence no fighting I love it but I'm so unsure at the same time about everything now that I think about how different it is. I still see the images of my own abuse and of other abuse I witnessed and they burn my mind now everyday I never thought about it until I opened up to my husband and now that I have I can't get the images and the re-enactments to stop in my head and I want them to so bad and I know I need to deal with them but whats the best way? I guess maybe I should talk more about it but I don't want to open the door anymore than it has been but I guess thats part of dealing with the past having to open that door and deal with everything I mean I want to move forward I just want to believe I can be whole whatever that means it sounds good I'd like to know what it feels like. I want to know what it's like not to have these images burned into my mind and not letting up just some sanity would be nice I guess I just want to know how to get there I guess it's just something I have to figure out for myself.

I just feel like I'm having to relearn a lot at twenty five years old that I shouldn't have had to now I can't imagine putting my daughter into the environment I was raised in a bike gang and just letting her grow up knowing only that code of ethics and morals. I wouldn't ever do that to her and I just can't believe it's as hard as it is to adjust I just thought this would have hit me before now but maybe it's because it took a lot for my husband to gain my trust and break my walls down and me let them down too for me to open up where I never have I never trusted anyone before at all period no exceptions to the rule and now to be able to trust is a hard thing but it's good I mean I can honestly say that I do trust my husband and love him and now I guess I just need to get a little more out and I know he says he's here anytime and he'll always listen to me and not judge me and he never has judged me and he always has listened to me but I just worry that he'll think I'm such a horrible person and I just don't want him to see me that way or see me as so broken or horribly damaged. I just feel like I don't fit in with our family sometimes that I'm just different in a bad way no matter how hard I try I'll never be good enough I'll just always be broken and that's the way it is...heal...it's a nice word I'd love to say it some day I just want to know how to get there and is there a point where you're too damaged to heal...just random thoughts I guess I'm just having stress today one of those days I guess thinking about things and I've been avoiding writing but I don't want to put it off anymore it feels like the more I put off writing the colder I get and the walls start to go back up in a way and if I've come this far I don't want to go backwards if I relapsed with anything I know myself and I'm honest it wouldn't be good I've been doing good for four years and want to spend the rest of my life doing better getting there is the hard part but I'm gonna try at least I've always put up a fight why not put one up now when it comes to being better for the ones that really love me....