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Posted by BikerWife , 30 April 2011 · 155 views

I'm new at blogging and still finding my way around this site and trying to abide by the guidelines and I hope that blogging might help too maybe anything can help at this point. This past week and a half I feel like my whole life got turned upside down completely everything I thought was ok including me is far from ok. After I saw my stepfather for the first time in about seven or so years his behavior during this trip and it was the first time meeting my husband too was so unfatherly that it caused me to have flashbacks after he left the next night. The same day he left my husband had asked me if anything ever happened I said no I mean when I was like 12 or 13 I remember my stepfather trying to rip my clothes off once when he was drunk and I fended him off breaking his nose but I chalked it up to he was drunk and he didn't do anything to me so I just blew it off. The next night I started having flashbacks of my stepfather and I remember a few incidents that were s***** and it's so horrible. I also have dealt with a lot of r**** as a teen and young adult including individual r**** and group r**** and I never let them bother me before never felt much of anything before unless I would SI and then I would feel something and I haven't SI'd now for three and a half years I did once since I've been with my husband after a minor normal disagreement because I didn't know how to react and seeing the shock and seeing him so upset and wanting to love me instead of push me away has stopped me from doing it to this day and this week has been the closest I've come in years now. I never felt sadness or hurt from my attacks at all and I grew up thinking I was crazy and that this happens to everyone because thats what I was told about my teen r**** my mother told me to suck it up and get on with it and I got r'd for attention she was a horrible drug addict and alcoholic. When I was younger I thought that my stepfather rubbing my inner thighs and brushing my private area was normal and walking around in the buff was completely normal behavior and I am seeing little bits and pieces I never talked to anyone about anything and this week has been so hard comming here and also talking to my husband but he is very supportive and loving and encouraging which is prob the reason I am here without him I would prob still be stuck in an unhealthy cycle I used to persue in relationships. It's so hard I want to look in the mirror one day and see what he sees in me not what I see the more that I come on here and the more I talk to others the more I am starting to feel that my view of my body and self perception is altered and I do have hope that I can see myself differently and in a healthy way one day I want to be beautiful or average my husband always tells me how beautiful I am and I want to believe him sooo badly. I've let him in more this week into my life and mind to where I am comfortable with than anyone else ever. It actually feels good in a way to know that someone else knows what happened to me and everyone else here sharing stories and coping skills has helped.

I'm just having so much trouble with fighting myself to let myself cry and feel what happened to me. I think I need to so bad, I want to but it's like I have an instinct not to cry which I have a hard time being emotional and all the abuse explains that too. I also endured physical and emotional abuse on a daily basis from childhood until I got with my husband even my ex husband was emotionally, physically, and a few times s******* abusive. I've had a lot of unhealthy relationships in my life a lot and Im not proud to admit it but I'm starting to re-evaluate my life there's so much of my childhood I don't remember and now I've got a graphic image of something my stepfather did to me and several of me being younger 8 to 10ish and being in the bathroom bleeding badly from there and it worries me how much do I not remember if I'm just remembering this now. How could he come and visit and think that what he tried to do when he was here was ok and that it wouldn't bring back the things he did to me??? He tried to kiss me even forcefully hold my face, repeatedly pull me onto his lap, and try to pull me into bed with him and
I know thats got to be what triggered the flashbacks but my husband also told me he's suspected for years that something had gone on in my family for being 25 now but we've been together for four years this year and having the s***** knowledge and detachment.

I never imagined the act of s** ever having anything to do with love and in all my relationships it was always an act I needed the act like food yes I still have an issue with need for the act but in a different way now..I used to see it as non emotional at all that's just it done and now I finally understand what it is like to make love with someone and I never thought this was possible and it hurts so bad to think that I never felt this way before because of the effects others had on me. I read the info section here and I was feeling like being thru CSA and r'd many times was my fault I used to be a stripper one that never did do anything with any of the customers but dance and I know now thinking a lot this past week I did that because I thrived at the desire the need I would see in mens eyes and the ability to be non emotional and in control and turn away after getting my money not being cruel but my job was done and it sounds messed up that I used to be that way it really does even to me and it's hard I grew up thinking I was crazy I strived so hard to be a good kid and I did the cleaning, did the laundry, and all I would hear all day from my mother when she wasnt passed out or sleeping with someone for drugs was I was crazy I was a s***, a w****, a b****, even the C word starting since I was fiveish or so that I remember it starting, I was always cold to men in my previous relationships and always had a hatred for myself and living. I was diagnosed without the Dr knowing of any s***** abuse with BP, DID, PTSD, MPD, and generalized anxiety, and generalized dissociative disorder but yet have trouble fitting the full critera for each diagnosis and from what I've been reading all of my symptoms and feelings and actions can be a result of the r's and CSA and since I started having flashbacks and talking to my husband this week I notice that a lot of my symptoms other than anxiety have not been as bad it feels like I am letting stuff out that has been locked up and away for way too long now.

I even started going to college to see why I felt so different and broken and damaged and majored in psych I went for a year almost two now I have to reenroll since we moved back to the area we had to leave for a family emergency and I maintained a 4.0 in psych and now to know that I am not crazy is such a huge relief but at the same time it feels like everything I've known and felt is upside down because I thought if I was crazy it would make sense not to feel anything from the r's and abuse but now it means that I have suppressed alot and need to heal I didn't think or know I needed to heal a few weeks ago now it's a shock but I am hopeful where there wasn't fixing crazy but being traumatized there is healing and yet I feel worse at the same time that this is why I feel so horrible and I try to blame myself when I know I shouldn't and I try to wonder what I did to deserve all of the abuse as a child and I am struggling to realize that I did nothing...nothing and that hurts worse my mom used to say some people were just born bad like me and born broken like me and I thought this was how it was not to realize I guess realize is right things are just starting to sink in and I feel so helpless, vunerable, self conscious, dirty, ashamed, and violated, yet distant that it's so confusing all at once and I want to cry I can't wait for my wall to come down I really can't I've put that wall up and I've tried to break it down to talk to my husband more and it's like instinct is keeping it there so I know that it will have to come down in time there must be a reason for it. I have hope for the first time in my life that I can feel whole, better, healthy mentally, and attractive and it feels good but it hurts for so many reasons they all jar together. I've been clean and sober for four years this year since I got with my husband and I often wonder where my dad was buying me alcohol from the age of like 10ish maybe a little younger and my mom started getting me into drugs when I was that age a little younger 8 with my mom and I wonder if she knew if she knew what he was doing to me? She would tell me everyday she hated me, wished I was dead, wished I was never born and I wonder now this week if she knew and why did she abuse me in her own ways??

I've been doing so much thinking but it's either think or push it back and I can't push it back anymore this weight is lifting off and I couldn't take that weight back again ever I didn't know what it was like to feel lighter now in a sense sounds weird prob I dunno it's how I feel I guess best description anyway. I am so confused and tonight I think I might try to talk to my husband more he has been really supportive and loving Ive never had anyone like this..he helps me feel if I can heal we can have a normal, happy, healthy family and I want that more than anything to spend the rest of my life with my husband and our family (the kids and one granddaugher my husband's daughter's daugher). I don't know it's been a rough week for me I'm sure everyone here can relate. I really feel better writing I'm supprised how much talking can have an impact it just hurts to have to go thru the images and I really want to relearn how to feel my emotions in a way but dreadihg what I'm going to have to process to get there the more the days go on the more I think the day where I'm going to break down and cry so many tears that I feel being held back is comming sooner and sooner and I want to let it out but I'm sooo scared to have to feel and deal with everything and I want to let it out but I am so scared I've never cried over death, being r'd, or beat, or anything really not even having my daughter. This is hard but I hope it's what I need to do to start healing, I wanna feel whole and good finally and not like a bad person anymore who doesn't feel anything.

That is so true, I feel sometimes I can put anything in writing, but saying it out loud makes it real.

Hang in there, we'll get there eventually.

June 2016

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