For the past few months and the last few entries leading up to my absence, I admit to feeling hurt and insatiably tired. It seemed (and sometimes still)like my past and life were/are getting the upper hand over me and I was/am left to their mercy as for how my day and nights would/will precede. All of the triggers, all of the disappointment and all of the responsibilities I was placing on myself were suffocating me with discomfort and the residual feeling that I wasn't doing something right.
Today I know what that 'something right' is. I wasn't dealing with the fact that my triggers, my sleepless nights and my disappoints stemmed from three distinct areas of my life.
1. Feelings regarding my parents, specifically my mother. (My relationships)
2. The recreation of my assault history in everyday life. (My daily life)
3. The fact that no one knows all of my history. (Support system/peace of mind)
1. More so than normal I have been exceptionally angry with my parents. From their accusations of me being a whore and a two-bit liar down to their concern about my health, I have been so enraged with them these past few years because I feel they failed to sufficiently protect me. My SA history starts back when I was a young girl. My parents missed the worst of it, but came in the picture when I was getting sexually bullied at my elementary school when it was just a classmate passing sexual letters to me. I remember feeling humiliated as they sat me down at the kitchen table questioning me about it. At the time I took it as they were mad with me for knowing so much about sex, even though now I think it was just stern concern.
But even as I became a preteen going through my father's stash of porno's to try and learn more about sex and getting caught red-handed, they made me feel so bad for knowing so much as they forced me to go through a porno tape with them, calling out positions and acts. And as I have gotten older and am surviving this most recent assault all I can focus on is why? Why are they mad at me? Why don't they ever ask why did I know what I know? It always turns out to be a 'You think you are sly' or 'You think you are sneaky.'
I tried to reach out to them, honest I tried. After waking up in the hospital after surgery when I was 16. Again when I was 19 after the breakup with my ex that I was close to. Even after my most recent assault. And every time I was shot down, silenced or mocked. My mother blamed me for what happened and then tried to take it back later. My father criticized my choice for going to counseling with no knowledge of my childhood sa.
I just feel so damned hostile about the way they treat me and my sexual history. I hate how they are so supportive and understanding of my brother and then when it comes to me it's my fault for why our relationship is strained. If my brother acts out it's my fault because he learned it from me. It leaves a bitter taste on my tongue and lips and it makes me hypercritical of anyone that is even remotely trying to get close to me because if I don't feel I can trust my own parents, how can I trust someone else? How can I expect anyone else to protect me? How can I expect anyone to love me? How can I expect that no one will judge me for every decision or non-decision I make and make me feel terrible for it?
2. Which leads into me recreating the feelings of my sa history in other aspects of my life. My major sa assault two years ago is so reminiscent of my first assault it makes me want to puke every time I remember. When I looked at my abuser I didn't see them. I saw that same older kid that annihilated our friendship and my trust the first time he made me perform oral. After both assaults I felt isolated and alone as no one on my street, when I was younger, wanted to play with me to begin with and all my friends at school stopped talking to me or moved away. Years later the aftermath of my recent assault resulted in much the same way. Most of my friends vanished into thin air. People I thought I could count on, people I thought that would worry about me or could tell something was off. The only difference between the two assaults is that one person reached out to me and more than likely saved my life from complete despair.
I feel like I let the second assault happen. Much like how I didn't want to be friendless when I was a child so I did whatever abuser A wanted me to, I didn't want to think that I was going to lose the friend I had in abuser B. I feel like I let people hurt me. I scare off the people that are obvious about wanting only what they can take from me. But the mean people, the snakes that I know are snakes I keep them close by me. I want to believe our friendships could work or last because they would chose our friendship over their lust for my flesh or talents. And time and time again I am disappointed that my assumption that they would choose friendship was incorrect.
But it's not just in sex and friends that I find this disappointment. It is also in school and at work that I see the similarities too. I work hard at work, breaking my back and exhausting myself with dedication and commitment for little or no pay at all and then I am served with the disappointment that my position has been given away or that I am being terminated for one reason or another. All my supervisors give me some lip service about how awesome I am and why they had to let me go. Much the same like how Abusers A&B told me how amazing what they did to me felt, but they couldn't do it again. In school I would try to get to know my professors and try to do well and when I ask them about why I didn't do well in class I would get the, "You're a good student, but for x,y reason you failed." Similar to with Abuser B how I explained why I stopped talking to him and they still hurt me.
3. Lastly, I feel it all ties into how I view my support systems. I feel like I don't have the right type of support at my current school, can't say that I had the right support at my previous job and it makes me question the quality of my relationships between my family and friends. Which is why no one fully knows what all a been through. And I feel horrible because I want to tell, but at the same time I feel there are no opportunities for me to tell.
For most of the parties that are suppose to build my support system I feel direct and instantaneous anger directed towards them. Their failure to protect me in some capacity or their inability to be their titles (as I perceive them) enrages me so much that it leads me to discredit their sincerity and motives. It makes me draw thick boundaries and isolate the brunt of my emotions because either they tell me it's inappropriate or displaced or I shut down in feeling my emotions and go about my day in a mask of indifference.
<End of Trigger>
However, I feel like what I am dealing with is such a heavy load to bear by myself, but I fear there is no one on the other side of my computer screen that will support me. Because I feel shut down all the time I feel like there are many aspects of my life that I need to talk about or should talk about that I just don't because no one will honor the time to listen and validate. And it is so frustrating because everyone expects me to do it for them, but it is selfish and unfair of me to expect the same. No one has time or they have to tell me about their struggles first and then it is time for them to leave or I get lectured for feeling the way I do.
I've recently been trying to clean house of people that make me feel that way. Instead of waiting on other people to save me, to start saving myself. But I feel that in most of these situations I have been too conscious of the possible repercussions of my association and therefore at fault for the way I feel. I failed to protect myself from the start, but want other people to come and rescue me because I failed to do what was necessary. This feeling makes me feel so discouraged and determined at the same time. I feel peace for not having such needy people in my life anymore, but I also feel very incomplete. There are no jobs to bust a sweat for, there are no people to tend to, just school, myself and my feelings.