I've recently had what can only be explained as the worse trigger I've ever had in my experience EVER. I was talking with a friend after going out with my boyfriend and a few mutual friends and the topic lead back to my previous relationship and my friend's experiences and how they were similar. And her innocent comparison to our personal reactions with our exes in comparison to our current relationship brought up long forgotten memories that delves back into my childhood sa history.
What I now remember makes me want to puke and cry at the same time. My headaches have increased and are more intense in the sense that more often then not they feel like electrical shocks going through each nerve ending in an isolated area. It's been so damn hard to focus and I just feel completely numb to life right now. I don't want to do anything.
I am debating if I should even bother and finish my last year in school and just find a regular 9-5. Come June I will be off one pay check again and my other job didn't pan out the way I had hoped. I've drawn myself completely in my head and body. Thinking about my past and how it has shaped my future and the great shame it has left me with. Using masturbation and sex to reenforce my guilt.
To add onto my already complicated dilemma, I have recently tried to work things out with my mother and am finding it very difficult to accept some of her answers to questions I'd asked her. Namely, why she raised me the way she did. She says she wanted me to be strong and competent and if she could break me then there would be no way that anyone else could.
I am not nor was I ever a wild stallion that needed to be broke-in. I am her daughter! All those years of riding my back and breaking my heart with her cold responses I feel wasted so much time between us. I always wanted to be close to my mother. But I couldn't get past the whole "I am her property" and everything else she's said to me.
Doesn't she understand she didn't protect me. I was already breaking by the time she started dishing out her "tough love". She complains I don't talk to her, but when I gave her chances to save me by talking to her, she silenced me! She never let me finished or she blamed me for what happened. That stings so bad. I don't even know how to put into words.
Sometimes I question God. Was I put through all these personal/intimate struggles because He knew that I could handle them or is it because of my lack of understanding and misjudgement that I am suffering now the way that I am.
I feel so inferior and unworthy of anything. Even though I know it is not true I feel like a waste of time, money and genetic material. I wake up everyday because I don't want to give into my past, but in the inside I feel so defeated. I can't make my inner child stop crying now and because she cries I want to cry too.