Make It Stop
I remember posting once why do I bother trying to make myself better and I had the answer to that a year ago! And I forgot! Or it's been buried under whatever this is I am going through.
With nothing too serious to devote my undivided attention to, all I feel is hurt.
I almost completely gave up sleeping, I eat barely a meal and a half a day and I feel so exhausted. Doing little things like laundry, washing my hair, cooking...they are all daunting chores. Talking to friends are a tall order and my boyfriend...I feel so bad for finding it hard to try and hold a conversation with him.
What am I doing? Why won't this pain stop? What's wrong with me?
It is so much easier to help other people, but when it comes to myself...I got nothing. I know I'm not happy, but what is it about this unhappiness that is driving me to insanity? I'm use to being lonely, I am use to not being heard/listened to, I'm use to feeling like people's property, I've been abused in ways I am still learning about, I've been ignored by people I('ve) love(d), I have felt ugly, I have felt pretty, I have known the pain of loss, I have known failure and I have known success, I have felt like a horrible person, I have hurt others and Lord knows I've tried to manipulate people. What is this hurt I feel?
This weight on my heart makes me feel like I am going to break. In my mind hurtful words sing to me in a voice of honey that I am not worthy. What am I not worthy of? School? My boyfriend? My friends? What I have?
What am I doing? This is not me...