But oh!! I just want someone to answer to this hurt I feel! Why couldn't I have been strong enough to go to the police? Why don't I feel like my parents are more supportive than they are? Why am I even this upset?
I think in helping my college friend with her situation I was re-triggered to my own experiences. I hope I can find it in me to calm down because I actually have to be in social contact with people today, including my boyfriend, and I don't want to take out my anger and frustration on them.
It just feels so hard. All of my perps, all of them I cared for to some capacity and every last one of them took advantage of me. Used me. And made me feel so guilty for making them want to do those horrible things to me. They made me feel like I was the one over-reacting. If I was as scared as I said I was I should have said something. They would have stopped.
The last time I was hurt I did say I was hurting! I begged for them to stop! But they kept going. Why?! Just why! I want to hurt you! I want to kill you for disrespecting me! You all cost me so much in my life. And society says I am just suppose to get over it? My Lord tells me to forgive you? How can I? You never said you were sorry! You laughed! You asked me when could you do it again. That I was the best you ever had.
You sickos!!! Leave me alone! You aren't here anymore to hurt me! I spared your families the loss of you! I spared your freedom! I spared you everything and myself not a damn thing! Stop haunting me! Let me sleep! Let me live! I want to sleep, I want to live, I want to feel the more pleasant feelings in life!
Just stop! Please!