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Beyond Upset

Posted by YoursTruly , 26 February 2012 · 56 views

This morning I woke up with a killer headache and feeling angry. There is so much rage I don't know what to do with it. The last time I felt like this was when I almost ran over my abuser with my car. I blacked out when I saw him in the parking lot of my school and he walked away from me like he saw a ghost. And it was a then mutual friend that noticed I was speeding towards them and I swerved out the way at the last second. There are some days I feel like I wished I had hit them and then other days when I tell myself I'm glad I didn't do it. It wasn't worth handing him my freedom too by getting jail time.

But oh!! I just want someone to answer to this hurt I feel! Why couldn't I have been strong enough to go to the police? Why don't I feel like my parents are more supportive than they are? Why am I even this upset?

I think in helping my college friend with her situation I was re-triggered to my own experiences. I hope I can find it in me to calm down because I actually have to be in social contact with people today, including my boyfriend, and I don't want to take out my anger and frustration on them.

It just feels so hard. All of my perps, all of them I cared for to some capacity and every last one of them took advantage of me. Used me. And made me feel so guilty for making them want to do those horrible things to me. They made me feel like I was the one over-reacting. If I was as scared as I said I was I should have said something. They would have stopped.


The last time I was hurt I did say I was hurting! I begged for them to stop! But they kept going. Why?! Just why! I want to hurt you! I want to kill you for disrespecting me! You all cost me so much in my life. And society says I am just suppose to get over it? My Lord tells me to forgive you? How can I? You never said you were sorry! You laughed! You asked me when could you do it again. That I was the best you ever had.

You sickos!!! Leave me alone! You aren't here anymore to hurt me! I spared your families the loss of you! I spared your freedom! I spared you everything and myself not a damn thing! Stop haunting me! Let me sleep! Let me live! I want to sleep, I want to live, I want to feel the more pleasant feelings in life!

Just stop! Please!

I am sorry for all you are going through right now. I am hoping you get relief from your pain in healthy ways soon. You are not alone and I am listening.

Take good care of you. Many blessings

May 2016

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