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I have a hard time accepting myself. This I admit to because, for me, itís one of those things where I have an idea of who I am (and in all actuality I do think I already know who I am), but Iím not ready to own who I am. Like on websites like Facebook and Pandyís I donít use my name. I donít own it. I barely do in real life either. And thatís because I feel like there is a barrier between who I am now and who I want to be that is my actual name and I havenít earned the privilege to be just my name.
Part of that reason is because I act like a chameleon in real life sometimes. In my past it was so easy for me to people please and simply change gears in terms of attitude, demeanor and language because a lot of what is my personality others simply wanted the extremes of it. It wasnít unless what people wanted from me was so farfetched I told them to go get bent. Now it is much easier to tell people to go get bent because I donít want to waste my time back peddling into things I know will only upset me. However, I do still have a handful of people that remind me of that old life and I havenít quite found the strength to tell them to get lost too, although I think in the immediate future that wonít be that hard to do.
Lastly, to own my name means I also have to accept who I am in my own skin. I have to own my body and love and cherish it for all that itís been through and all it could ever go through in the future. Lately I have been real detached from my body. Not to say that I have a negative body image, itís just that sometimes I feel like my body isnít my body and it goes beyond just my abuse but also to the fact that I feel like throughout most of my life people have treated me like a doll and expected to look and dress a certain way and do certain things to please them and never have I had an original thought about what I would like for me to look or do and I am sorting out now exactly how Iíd like to dress.
I think through that conversation I found my next goals that I was looking for that I referred to a few entries ago. I want to tackle those issues and concerns next. My only reservation about going after those things is that I sort of got falcon punched with the news that my T is getting ready to transfer to another facility and I am going to have to start over someone else. It kind of stings a little bit because she was the second T Iíve had and she was key in my recovery. I know I could probably get through the new goals I set for myself, but before I go head first into anything I think I want the comfort of knowing that once I get reestablished with a new T that I have the safety net of someone that could be my full support if I need it.