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So since my last entry I have been extremely busy with school and bouncing between odd jobs that I've started back up a little with the nightmares/terrors. But they are not nearly as bad as the ones from before. And my main struggle is making myself eat. But aside from that I realize I think I am ready to talk more about my experiences and I want to tell people but I am just so hesitant to do so.
I mean the people that have to know outside of my family know and then there are the people I want to know but I for various reasons I consider them too flaky to really trust them with such a vulnerable side of myself. But ultimately I believe the reason why I am so deathly afraid to tell is because my ex-boyfriend was someone I regarded as someone I could never lie to and knew everything in nearly perfect detail about any aspect of my life and with my story he was there from the beginning and then he just left me.
He didn't dump me, I broke off our relationship, but in a way mentally I felt like there was a rift growing between us as he called less and less and talked less and less when he did call. And knowing that we aren't together and knowing what all he knows about me I feel so scared and self conscious how he chose to remember me and what he will do with that information. So for me being subjected to that kind of panic thinking isn't exactly something that makes me want to readily run out and tell anyone or talk about in detail with anyone other than my T in real life.
But I am thinking that maybe if I did give people a chance to prove my assessment of them right or wrong it would make me feel better and definitely help out some when I have nightmares.
I mean the people that have to know outside of my family know and then there are the people I want to know but I for various reasons I consider them too flaky to really trust them with such a vulnerable side of myself. But ultimately I believe the reason why I am so deathly afraid to tell is because my ex-boyfriend was someone I regarded as someone I could never lie to and knew everything in nearly perfect detail about any aspect of my life and with my story he was there from the beginning and then he just left me.
He didn't dump me, I broke off our relationship, but in a way mentally I felt like there was a rift growing between us as he called less and less and talked less and less when he did call. And knowing that we aren't together and knowing what all he knows about me I feel so scared and self conscious how he chose to remember me and what he will do with that information. So for me being subjected to that kind of panic thinking isn't exactly something that makes me want to readily run out and tell anyone or talk about in detail with anyone other than my T in real life.
But I am thinking that maybe if I did give people a chance to prove my assessment of them right or wrong it would make me feel better and definitely help out some when I have nightmares.
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