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I keep thinking about how just this time last year, a guy that I have always had a stormy friendship with had found me one day and after stopping to talk over lunch, he stopped me mid conversation and asked "What the hell happened to the girl I knew in high school? You're not her." I remember feeling so shocked and distraught that he called me out. At that time I had became severely antisocial. I had let my hair fall out in chunks, I had more than doubled my weight, and probably the most disturbing, I stopped being me. I had no confidence to speak of, my self worth was annihilated, I couldn't look ANYONE in the eyes and worked exceeding hard to make myself look small or invisible.
He was the only one to call me out. It wasn't me letting myself go, I was someone else that was scared, timid and awkward; the exact opposite of my actual personality. Now that I am at a place where I can do better and handles things a little more on my own, I feel like I don't know what to do. Before when I was recovering I had goals that were clear as day on things I need to work on and continue to work on. Now I just feel numb.
I still don't feel like the girl I was, but I have accepted the fact that I can't go back to being that person, not all the way at least. But the parts of me that I miss, that I refuse to go back to, I have no clue how to fill those voids. I'm in college, I'm dating again, I'm capable of having sex, I can be social and outgoing...But I feel like there's something wrong or missing with me doing all of these things.
With my boyfriend I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. I keep waiting for him to "let me go" somehow, either emotionally or by means of ending the relationship. In college I want to continue to do good things, but I don't feel the drive that I once had. Socially I am afraid everyone will notice that I am a fake, that I am not always this cheery person looking for a positive of every situation. Then I feel like the rougher intimate sessions that I have are ways that I punish myself for everything that I've been through. The physical pain I treat like indirect self harm, pushing myself always a little over my tolerance level to have something to keep me emotionally anchored in the present and not the past.
All of these things run through my head in a day, with other concerns on top of that and at I night I sit and wonder how I will make it through tomorrow? I can't just remain standing in the midst of all my worries and fears and not make an attempt to move forward. I guess I just need to find a new goal so I have something to move towards.