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Posted by YoursTruly , 29 May 2011 · 35 views

Slowly but surely I believe I am a little more like myself than previously. Although due to some of the real life issues I left behind in my triggered-minded state I feel like I am about to be triggered again. Though this time I think I have a better anchor into sanity this time as I still feel pretty guarded whereas last time it took me on by surprise.

Typically when I think a trigger is coming on I pay very close attention to how I am feeling and when I start to get a mental hazy feeling like I am high and can't focus on anything I do something that requires my utmost attention and prevents me from going over the emotional edge if you will.

What I am thinking about doing, since my classes won't start for another few days, is concentrating on writing down my entire story of how I was abused. Now I know it sounds a bit weird to actually think about what happened and commit it to writing to take your mind off of a trigger. But unfortunately or fortunately, depending how you look at it, it is very natural and easy for me to dissociate how I feel from a difficult task I may be given and just do the critical work part and simply leave it at that.

Since I was a young girl I have always been able to do that and I never really knew that you called it dissociation because after my first abuse I found other ways to use it. For example if I was reading a book, I could drawn out all the sounds around me and not hear you if you called my name or I could read a book and walk around an entire store, never looking up, if I knew what colors my mom was wearing.

I feel like everytime I come back from a bad trigger I learn something else I completely forgot about either from my most recent abuse or any of the other abuses that could have been red flags that I missed or ignored. Eventually I do want to share all of my story and not just bits and pieces and varying degrees of it.

July 2016

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