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Lost

Posted by YoursTruly , 25 May 2011 · 15 views

I don't know what to do anymore. I just don't. I hate not having a support system and every time I try and create one it back fires on me! I know I am not meant to feel this f*cking alone. I couldn't possibly. But yet and still here I am at damn midnight writing this entry about this horrible trigger that I am living through and there isn't a soul I can call or reach out to, to help me. All I can do is cry and feel alone and even though I won't let myself cry.

I just don't understand how people can lie to me. They claim to be my friend and they clearly are actually the opposite. Am I that insignificant in your life that you can't honor a few minutes of your time to listen to my stressful day? Is what I am trying to tell you so unimportant that you can cut me off and talk about yourself or that you have to go and do something? I want to scream at the top of my lungs "LISTEN TO ME!" but I know no one will and it makes me feel worse.

They say that the people around us are reflections of our current self. And if that is the case then I am scared. Could I truly be that self absorbed and uncaring? I have a heart, I know I do. I give, still continue to give what remains of the best side of me. A part of me I thought I didn't have an ounce left of after what happened to me. And now I see that everyone is out to take what's left!

I want to hate them for it. I really do, but I can't. I just feel so defeated and have no clue what on Earth I can do to protect myself.



There is someone listening.

I've been reading your blog on and off, and I've been meaning to let you know I'm here. Somehow things don't always go as planned, but I'm taking those few minutes right now to share my two cents on this.

The fact that people around you see you as worthless only shows their blindness-- it has nothing to do with your worth. If it counts for anything, here at Pandy's someone will always be listening, and you're always welcome to share your thoughts. Ramble away and I promise I will be here to listen.

It has been a while since your last entry, has something happened since then? Have you tried sharing the feeling of loneliness with your boyfriend? You needen't tell him anything spesific, but I'd think letting him know you're hurting might be a good idea. Sometimes being held is all you need to feel better.

I just want to.. I don't know.. I want reassure you somehow, to help you get a hold on the positive energy radiating from your first entry. You're brave and strong and you have a big, warm heart. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

You'll be in my thoughts.
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healingoddess_375
May 27 2011 02:23 AM
i don't know you... it has been over a year since i checked the public blogs... but i heard you. LOUD AND CLEAR. you are not alone... i know that feeling... that feeling of complete emptiness as if you are the only soul on earth... i used to feel that way. I used to feel like some one must have taken my voice cause no one could hear me. and for me it lasted for years... It wasn't until i joined places like pandy's and some face 2 face groups that i finally learned how to let people support me... because truth I was part of the problem. in here you are heard and from my experience i will tell you that there is support all around you if you are willing to reach for it. I had to and it took courage and a strength i didn't know i had... and it took time... but it is possible to have a life that counts and a voice that counts outside of the web. If i can do it so can you... i have faith in you.
@Muffini: I really appreciate your message. To answer your questions since my last entry I've had more tiggers go off by means of accident on my boyfriend's part and just actual occurance. But lately I haven't had my boyfriend to help me cope and as I said before no one else seemed to care enough to let me finish or even start seeking support from them. So I pretty much just ended up riding the wave of my emotions until I eventually calmed down.

But I am completely and whole-heartedly thankful for your post. Sometimes when I feel that vulnerable it is hard to find my way back to that hopeful, positive vibe and I find it even harder to believe that I am not alone.

@healingoddess_375: Thank you so much for your post. It is reassuring in that the purpose of me joining Pandy's is to build up my courage enough to say what I say here in real life. I know that in my part what probably doesn't help me is that I have a huge trust issue. And it's my hope that I get to that place you are in and I am so happy that you were able to achieve that!

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