It has almost been a year since my ex boyfriend assaulted me. I have recently finished going through a 12 week program for counseling. This is my story.
Just under a year ago, I was at a friends party when I met my ex boyfriend. When I first saw him he looked perfect, he comes from a good family, he wanted to become a dentist, and he was good looking. Sounds perfect right? We started talking and there was an immediate attraction. We started seeing each other the week after the party. For the first few weeks, he was so nice and still perfect.
I started to notice that he smoked a lot of weed everyday, and he started being rude and mean towards me. I thought it was just him being high and around his friends. I quickly realized that he was a jerk 24/7. He would tell me that his previous girlfriends would do this to him or do that for him. Or that his previous girlfriends looked like this. He knew at the time that I have been dealing with anorexia since the age of 10. He would also yell at me if I said something he did not like or would yell at me because of the type of music I liked or the subjects I liked. I was always scared of him when he yelled because I was scared he would hit me. He had never physically hurt me until that day.
It was consensual at first because he was my boyfriend. It got to the point where I had collapsed because he was going so hard. I had my back to him and my face in a pillow. He had gotten on top of me. At that moment I knew what was happening. I couldn't move, my body had gone into shock and I froze. Since I couldn't fight back, I screamed. Then I started to scream louder and louder. I screamed until he said while laughing "Shut up babe, someone will here you". Then, the moment I still here vividly every single day, I could here kids playing outside, and I could here the birds sing. It was then that i realized there was a possibility I was not going to make it out alive. The rest is a blur. The next thing I remember, after he had finished, he left me lying there alone for ten minutes. When he got back and saw I was still lying there he got mad and said "What the fuck are you still doing lying there, why haven't you moved?".I had never been more scared in my life. He took everything away from me.
I suppressed the feelings and the memories until this past november, when I blurted it out in an argument I had with my father. Since then I went through the nightmares, the flashbacks, the fear of men, the fear of being alone. It was horrible. I finally went to counseling and the woman I had was amazing. She definitely helped me with every baby step and she made me feel normal, when i felt like I was going insane.
Although I've hit a high and I've been doing alright, and I will ride this out as far as I can. I still sometimes feel I'm alone, none of my friends can truly understand what I'm going through and I feel as though they pity me, and I don't like pity. I do not like the term victim, I am a survivor. I may need help back on my feet and something to lean on. He is only a crack in my foundation. He won't bring me down any longer, because I am a survivor and the things he didn't take are my dreams and my will to live.