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i go out more. i talk to more people. i'm a god damn social butterfly when i dont even want to be. but nothing changes.
the ED goes then returns. the SI never really leaves. even when i'm not physically doing it, my brain is plotting what i could do. and finds other means of punishing myself that people dont think of as self harm.
i can't stand up straight.
i cant look at my own reflection.
its hard to even sit with friends or answer the phone
so why isnt this helping? why are the steps leading to something better?
i dont even care anymore. part of me wants to be better. wants to be able to share a normal conversation with someone without thinking of something worse.
the rest of me just assumes its never getting better. and so far, that aspect is right.