unable to explain
We became friends after my SA and at the time i was in a dark place (darker than now) and wasnt telling anyone about it. She knows about my attempted suicides over the years we went to high school together and she was one of the sorts that wouldnt push you to explain or talk about things. Guess that's why we stayed friends, i never had to explain myself.
Its been so long now that we've been friends, nearly fourteen years and yet i cant bring myself to talk about it with her. Shes got a great life for herself now, new husband, baby, new job coming up. So i find that i make myself available to her beck and call for anything she needs, babysitting for free or whatever. Yet at the same time i just want someone to sit with me and let me go through all these years of not really talking about the SA and SI and eating disorders.
She's always seen the injuries and scars but i always make up a story about them. so she never asks, not sure if she believes me or not. i know i shouldnt be afraid to talk to her but i always cringe when she says things to people like we know each other so well, or we've been friends for so long that we're practically sisters...because she doesnt know about this section of my life.
And yet its so INCREDIBLY HARD to talk to her about it. And I dont understand why. She should be the one person that i can talk about it with.
SIGH...just makes me feel more alone...