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Posted by anji13 , 03 August 2011 · 56 views

so this is going to be a long rant with possible triggers...so sorry

so i know i've abnormally depressed
its impossibly clear. for years i have been stuck in this warp of work and being a single parent. still struggling with the effects of all the crap i'd gone through as a kid but shoving it so far on that metaphorical back-burner that i could pretend it wasnt even real.

then my company did away with the night shift and i was out of the job. suddenly just cut off. i've my best to get over the anger that comes with that. i tried to find other work, even attempting to get back into the joys i once had with tattooing. but its gone. i have no sensation for anything.

then to make it all SOOO much better (note sarcasm) my mother moved in with my daughter and i so that i could maybe go back to college and finish my degree. in the rational part of my brain i know the value in this. in my self conscious inner child I am incredibly ashamed of even needing her help.

i've given up on being able to explain my past, my issues, or my current problems with any possible boyfriends/girlfriends. i've tried in the past and whether its my own self-doubt or their inability to accept it---it never works. so i've been practically untouchable for about seven years. except for the last few months where i've been experiencing...how do i put it...slut mode. Not caring who i sleep with. I slept with a close friend who's married and felt so desperately bad that i havent spoken with him since. I met a random guy at a bar, went to his apartment and well yea. Those are just the least damaging instances.

last weekend i was sitting in my room. three am. insomnia striking me AGAIN. i hadnt left my apartment in about nine days. i was numb. next day i was making dinner , staring at the burner on the stove. without thinking of it or anything i pushed my right forearm down on the burner. 3rd degree blisters all over.

and now i can just be sitting here, watching shows that once had interest for me but theres nothing. and i'm crying at random times for clearly no obvious reasons.

SOOOO i know i am slipping.

roaming sites tonight i've been trying to find local support groups. i need something. but everything i've found or number i've called is useless. either the meetings are in other cities, or its a fee or charge that i can not afford. so what the hell are people like me supposed to do? just suffer like this. never sure if tomorrow i'm going to hurt myself again or maybe this time it'll be it..

so i found a site through ulifeline.org that has a self assessment psychological test. i've taken these before. usually they're simple, bullshit, and useless. this one was fairly good, lengthy, and precise. so this is the suggested warnings that were the results...

i qualified for five "severe" warnings

Suicidal with Major Depression
Social Phobias
Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder
Bipolar Disorder
Anorexia Nervosa

so i ask again...what the hell am i supposed to do? no insurance, i dont qualify for any state aid with my mother living with us and her income...
so i guess thats it
people like me are just supposed to "deal with it" right?

uggg so here goes. another night. guess that's why I'm ranting and raving on here.

June 2016

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