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Donna Mae DePola - Guest Speaker Chat ...May 25th 2013 ... for more information please read this!

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Seanna likes this
Posted by Seanna   in FLASH-BACKS, MEMORY, POETRY, STORY, TRIGGERING
THE TABLE

[font="Palatino Linotype"][i]The blindfold removed, I could now see
You bound my wrists together, I'd struggle, but would never be free.

The belt used was brown, with a light leather braid
The coffetable I was tied to Completely vulnerable and afraid.

Arms tied above my head, Tears sstreaming down my...
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My own therapy recap

03 June 2011
Posted by Seanna   in MEMORY, T SESSION, TRIGGERING
Since Therapy on Wednesday, I just can't stop thinking about my new memory.
I can still feel the belt around my wrists, holding me to the coffee table. I can feel my legs tied apart.
I remember the relief I felt when I saw the police. Then the heart sinking dread when I realized he wasn't there to help me.
The humiliation when I realized...
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Posted by Seanna  
Finally got out part of what I needed to tell my T. Still unable to put any details together...Just a point list that makes sense to fill in blanks as it goes.

[color="#008080"]Neighbors heard the screams and called the police
Police came and were talking quietly at the door to J while I was tied to the coffee Table.
Police officer...
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Posted by Seanna  
I wrote this letter from the psych ward when I was extremely angry as I didn't understand the process. he and I have spoken and I even gave him this letter so he could see how angry i was with him. We're still going to work together, but at least he knows how I felt about the situation and I know that there were several instances I was...
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Posted by Seanna  
I've put alot of thought into this, and why being 302 into the psych ward actually did more damage to me than benefitted me. The entire stay there was trigger after trigger and nobody would listen to why I couldn't do this or that, nor let me explain I needed to calm down first before....getting in the shower; removing my clothes etc. So...
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Posted by Seanna  
Tuesday afternoon, I went to the ER because I was having chest pains. I just wanted to be checked out, even though I knew pretty much it was just anxiety...but I wanted to be safe.

They ran a stress test on me, an ekg and everything came back fine. The dr. came in expressing he's really worried about me because of my stress level, and asked...
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Posted by Seanna  
Eisa...I like your format so I'm "borrowing" it.

BEFORE:
you know you're going to
You're so wet, I know you want it.
I'm going to make you scream
You have a choice. Kill yourself, or fuck them all.

DURING:
I knew you wanted this...You're nothing but a wet whore
We're not stopping until you come
Talk nasty...
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Posted by Seanna   in FLASH-BACKS, MEMORY, POETRY, TRIGGERING
I don't remember, the last time.
nor the second, third or fourth.
I only remember the first time
Attempts to take me from this earth.

You held my face over fire
You choked me with your hands
You drowned me in the bath-tub
Because I wouldn't give in to your demands.

Those memories are jumbled
I hardly remember at all
Like that one time...
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Posted by Seanna  
and Yes, i'm going to work today. I can't pass up the possibility they may fire me today! I'm on 3 hours sleep and woke up with a panic attack. I accidentally kicked my husband while he was sleeping an he sounded upset with me.

Nightmares about the uniform coming at me. I just can't get over it. Maybe I'll feel better...
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POETRY: Isolation

08 May 2011
Posted by Seanna   in FLASH-BACKS, MEMORY, STORY, TRIGGERING
Part of my story (I do best with poetry)

:trigger: :trigger: :trigger:

Alone in a room, I exhaustedly sigh
Emotions are numb, does no good to cry.
Staring in shock of the eyvents of the day
To make it out alive is all I can pray.

afraid to close my eyes to sleep
The wounds I survived are starting to sewep
Nowhere to run, nowhere to...
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Posted by Seanna   in TRIGGERING, POETRY, MEMORY, FLASH-BACKS, Uncategorized
He's no longer with me, in a physical way.
The memories will stay with me until the end of my days.

Sound of a door locking
means his footsteps are near
heart flutters in panic
paralyzed with fear.

Pour him a drink, as the nightmare begins
Pleading quietly begging forgiveness of sins.
Silently whispering an dpleading to stop
Nobody...
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POETRY: Both of me

08 May 2011
Posted by Seanna  
:trigger: :trigger: :trigger: :trigger:

I wrote this poem about what was going through my head the whole time it was all happening.

:trigger: :trigger: :trigger: :trigger:


Sitting alone, listening to my own thoughts.
[i][indent]"Why didn't you try, He could've...
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From: REST IN HELL

07 May 2011
Posted by Seanna   in POETRY
[i]
REST IN HELL

I've been silent entirely too long.
Silent for 19 years.
Protecting you from justice
Drowning in my tears.

I was a young girl back then
Preparing to take on the world
The monster inside you captured me
and Retained me in its hold

You convinced others you were normal
You knew i knew the truth
Your demons would charm...
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POETRY: Last Breath

07 May 2011
Posted by Seanna   in FLASH-BACKS, POETRY, MEMORY, STORY, TRIGGERING
LAST BREATH

"On Your Knees" they loudly direct
my tears and expression; easy to detect.
body shoved hard to the floor I kneel
Unable to stomach taht this is for real.

Head pushed under water, so cold I scream,
They're going to kill me; as that's what it seems.
Pulled back from the water and told to obey
Other words are...
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I'm fine; I always am

07 May 2011
Posted by Seanna   in TRIGGERING, STORY, MEMORY, FLASH-BACKS
"I'm Fine, I always am" is what I used to have to say outloud to him if I was crying from something he did to me. I still find myself saying it sometimes if someone asks me how I am. it makes me instantly sick...but It was so engraved into my head to say it on auto-pilot I say it still to this day.

"I'm Fine. I always...
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My List

07 May 2011
Posted by Seanna  
Re-Organizing my blogs. Sorry to re-post.
:trigger: :trigger: :trigger: :trigger: :trigger:

All the things he did to me keep running through my head. I figured I'd compile a list rather than tell the story because I'm obviously not ready for that...and as I told my Therapist yesterday....I don't think he's ready for it...
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Posted by Seanna   in STORY, FLASH-BACKS, TRIGGERING
We were young high school sweethearts. He was accepted into MIT. He is literally a genious. We were fairly active sexual young couple until one night he decided he wanted to be intimate and I just didn't feel like it. He grabbed my hair and pulled me into the bedroom. pinned me down and tried to rip my clothes off. They weren't ripping,...
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Tags: STORY

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Posted by Seanna   in Uncategorized, TRIGGERING
I left work early AGAIN today. I haven't worked a full 40 hour week in 5 months. It looks really bad...but you know what? I don't give a damn. Fire me! It may be a blessing in disguise! I just can't stand the feeling of the anxiety and panic attacks coming on in the office. As soon as I feel my heart start to race I make an...
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Tags: rambling

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Posted by Seanna  
I had a nasty therapy session. Going back to the bathtub. It is such an awful room. Big basin of water made for the pure use of torture & abuse.

I began flashing back in therapy then managed to regain control and brought myself back right away....but I was so angry. I'm still too mad to sleep.

Therapist wants to try to work through my...
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Losing my job...I think

26 April 2011
Posted by Seanna  
Well, I've been so out of it at work that I can't get motivated to do too much. I just kind of sit there staring at my computer screen losing track of time. one of my co-workers that i consider a friend mentioned it to me today and asked me..."are you Trying to get fired?" apparently it's that obvious.

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