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The color of the sky. that white/gray color at all times. even on sunny days. it reminds me of alot.
Having bad flashbacks lately. I can't keep my thoughts together long enough to make a complete intelligible sentence outloud. I can just feel that cold air and i remember how it felt on my skin. He had me outside without any clothing. He made me wait on the porch while he prepared the cabin. I stayed put. I don't know why. I was already acting as though I had been trained like a dog. THe thought of that is so belittling and disgusting to me. I should have ran then. That was my chance and I stayed like an obedient animal.
I can feel the cold water running over me as he hosed me down outside. I wasn't worthy of a shower inside of the cabin. he said i would make the shower dirty. cold water from a hose. the ground was snow=covered in patches. I remember collapsing periodically during my "shower" because I couldn't take the cold any longer. I was only greeted with a kick to get me back up on my feet. He would run that water on me until I was turning white. then i was brought back onto the porch to dry off and then come in.
I was so sick. My chest was heavy my congestion was horrible. Now I can't remmeber if I was so congested because I was sick or because I was crying so much the whole time he kept me there.
The mud had a very vivid smell. i can smell it right now even though I'm nowhere near mud. i can feel the way it smashes between my toes and eventually into my fingers as i tried to lift myself back up. walking on frozen feet hurt so badly i felt like one wrong move would break a bone. Maybe that's why i didn't run. I don't know. I'm just making shit up now trying to defend mhyself I guess....