Began SI'ing again.
I've stooped to new lows and it hurts me so badly that I would go backwards to this immature, head in the sand stance with my problems.
All of it came to a head when Dave received a call from the Mortgage company on his cell phone. While he was yelling at me about that, our insurance agent called him to notify him of the lapse.
The only way to fix the problem was to empty my 401K to pay everything current. He was even furious I did that.
I just feel like no matter what I would have done it would have been wrong, and it put me back in that place when I was 22 years old, telling my mother that i was financially in over my head.
After our argument, I apologized and explained I was just scared and paniced to tell him about it, then it got so huge I didn't know how.
He was surprisingly ok with everything, especially since we have a plan to fix it.
Once it was all over and done.... I went into our bedroom, locked the door. I took a large leather belt, folded it over and beat my legs until they are now swollen and black and blue. I vaguely remember doing it, but not fully.
I have to admit, it's much worse than what I had originally thought, as the bruising is kicking in.
Just what have I done?????? I feel so stupid and immature. Why am I all of a sudden regressing? i feel like I'm going absolutely insane. I just can't take any more of this.
The thought of ending it all has crossed my mind... but I couldn't leave my family with the financial mess I've created for them.
I'm just such a screw up and failure. I can't do anything right and if I try to fix it It just begins to snowball and get worse and worse and worse and worse.
I'm just a useless piece of shit that can't handle menial home responsabilities.