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New memories surfaced last night in my dreams. I just can't handle any more of this right now. I'm just so depressed and full of toxic anxiety. I'm useless to my family right now and I even feel useless to myself. At least when I was in the torcherous relationship, J had a use for me. At least until he decided he was through with me and left me on the side of the highway to find my own way back home.
How long am I expected to go on like this? I just feel like I can't keep this up and I wish I could just put it all in a bottle and smash it and all of the memories and feelings would be gone forever.
I'm going on a complete ramble right now. I know that and that's ok with me.
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Jasons words keep creeping into my head as though he's right here with me whispering in my ear.
"I know you like it, you want more don't you. Say Please. You worthless whore of a pig. You're mouth has so many uses. Fill the tub and call me in when it's ready. I'm not going to lie to you....this will hurt badly. You're getting much better at this. I want you to choose who will uck you where. I WILL make you come. Nobody can hear you scream."
The things he said to me just repeat and repeat in my head. I can't forget the words and I can't stop hearing his voice. I hear the words so often I'm even starting to believe them.
I am a worthless pig and a useless whore. I've accepted this. Nobody can have an orgasm during a group R and not enjoy it. I am a whore. I may not have been a willing participant to begin with, but toward the end, I can say I couldn't help it.