Letter to J
Why did you do this to me? Do you realize what you even did? I'm afraid to be alone...yet too afraid to be with people at the same time. I jump, swing and scream at the smallest surprise. I can't go into aa public bathroom stall without my heart racing.
My babies want to swim. I can't take them in the water. THe sound of ice clinking makes me sick.
I've almost wrecked my car multiple times because I'm too busy watching my rear-view mirror for you...instead of the road.
I have severe bone aches now. I'm 35 & feel like I'm 70. I'm sure from broken bones that weren't mended properly.
Do you know what it is like to give birth to a child on your side? Because my tailbone re-fractured during the contractions?
I can't sleep anymore. I used to sleep 12+ hours and enjoy it. Used to joke that sleep was my hobby. Now, I'm lucky if I get 4 hours a night because either you invade my dreams, or I awaken before you can.
Do you know what it's like to live in constant paranoia? To feel like everybody is out to harm me or eachother? To not trust anyone because if they get too close...then they are a danger?
How dare you think it's ok to do the things you did to a human person! How dare you change my life without my permission. Have you ever even considered how you changed my personality, my outlook on life, love and my future?
Do you realize you still manage to destroy almost all of the relationships in my life because of my high un-attainable expectations of others?
THEN you attempt to destroy my wedding day. WHY? What were you trying to do? Did you think you would win me back? Did you think you would get forgivness? What purpose did knocking on my door 2 hours before I walked down the aisle serve you? It didn't work. My mother protected me from you. You know what? I didn't even know you had been there until weeks after.
What made you want to do those things to me? Are you jsut a weak bully that Dr. K says, or is there somethign really wrong with you? You tried to kill me. You humiliated me. You disgraced me. You made me discrace MYSELF in public and for your cult type friends.
How dare you make me even begin to believe I was so worthless. How dare you convince me I wasn't worth the dog shit on your shoe.
You destroyed me. at an extremely important time of my life. The age where dreams and plans are laid out. You took my plans and burned them while I watched and just let it happen in front of me.
I will not allow you to have the satisfaction of me beign dissapointed in who I have become, because I'm not. What I can't help but wonder, is what could I have acheived by now had you not set me back more than a decade?
I've always wanted to become a writer, but I can't. WHat if I become famous and my past comes out to humiliate and destroy me again?
What you've done to me is inhumane, cruel and monstrous. I will NOT forgive. I will NOT forget. I will learn how to ive, love and grow.
THAT is something you can never take from me.