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Since Therapy on Wednesday, I just can't stop thinking about my new memory.
I can still feel the belt around my wrists, holding me to the coffee table. I can feel my legs tied apart.
I remember the relief I felt when I saw the police. Then the heart sinking dread when I realized he wasn't there to help me.
The humiliation when I realized I knew him from high school and he was fresh from the academy.
Absolute Terror, when I came to the conclusion this was hit plot, and J was only following through with a plan.
Feel Pain as my body and head hit off of the table while being SA'd.
I'm feeling it still like it just happened physically. Bad Body memories. I realize now that anybody that came through that door had no intention to help me. They were called there for a specific reason.
"S" demonstrated and coached "J" how to hit me without bruising me. Hard close fast hits, not the full winding back kind. How to tie wtihout leaving marks and rub-burn. How to make me comply without physical force.
He was breaking me.
I did what S asked. He never had to hit me or punch me. He trained by consequence, not by physical harm. I think Jason preferred physical harm for his own satisfaction.
and you know what? I'm actually not sure which method I preferred!!!! HOW SICK AM I????
S's method made me feel like I had a choice and some control....however, then it became my fault because I chose whatever was happening to me. now I'm left feeling the guilt and shame of choosing to be SA'd.
J's method was much easier for me to deal with. no blame to me. If I didn't comply, I would get hurt..badly. Who would blame me for not following direction in that scenario? It's not like I was choosing to do those things. It's not like I was ASKING for it; (which I had asked S to do on more than one occasion.) There were only physical harm consequences with J. With S, there were more psychological consequences that I couldn't handle. i feel so weak caving in and just "obeying". i think for the first time, I'm actually realizing that I carry alot of the blame for this with me. :cry:/> :cry:/> :cry:/>
Source: My own therapy recap
I can still feel the belt around my wrists, holding me to the coffee table. I can feel my legs tied apart.
I remember the relief I felt when I saw the police. Then the heart sinking dread when I realized he wasn't there to help me.
The humiliation when I realized I knew him from high school and he was fresh from the academy.
Absolute Terror, when I came to the conclusion this was hit plot, and J was only following through with a plan.
Feel Pain as my body and head hit off of the table while being SA'd.
I'm feeling it still like it just happened physically. Bad Body memories. I realize now that anybody that came through that door had no intention to help me. They were called there for a specific reason.
"S" demonstrated and coached "J" how to hit me without bruising me. Hard close fast hits, not the full winding back kind. How to tie wtihout leaving marks and rub-burn. How to make me comply without physical force.
He was breaking me.
I did what S asked. He never had to hit me or punch me. He trained by consequence, not by physical harm. I think Jason preferred physical harm for his own satisfaction.
and you know what? I'm actually not sure which method I preferred!!!! HOW SICK AM I????
S's method made me feel like I had a choice and some control....however, then it became my fault because I chose whatever was happening to me. now I'm left feeling the guilt and shame of choosing to be SA'd.
J's method was much easier for me to deal with. no blame to me. If I didn't comply, I would get hurt..badly. Who would blame me for not following direction in that scenario? It's not like I was choosing to do those things. It's not like I was ASKING for it; (which I had asked S to do on more than one occasion.) There were only physical harm consequences with J. With S, there were more psychological consequences that I couldn't handle. i feel so weak caving in and just "obeying". i think for the first time, I'm actually realizing that I carry alot of the blame for this with me. :cry:/> :cry:/> :cry:/>
Source: My own therapy recap
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