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When he was finished I remember him spitting on me and throwing my clothes at me. I got dressed as quickly as I could and ran out. i tried to tell my mother what had happened and she believed I was crying wolf. Just as I thought, I was in trouble for being there in the first place, rather than being cared for of what happened to me.
I went through serious withdrawl and depression and tried SU**** a few times. My father was very ill, so I couldn't burden the family with my problems anymore. A few months after that, my father passed on.
It was only about 3 months or so after it happened. ***J**** came to the funeral with his head hung low and requested I speak with him privately. i got the whole speech of how sorry he was, he didn't know what was wrong with him he's getting professional help so it will never happen again...(which I doubt he ever did). I was going through so much, I forgave him and took him back.
He was right. he HAD changed. almost 2 years passed and he was nothing less than a gentleman that would never hurt me. So chilvarous and kind. No control, nothing. He did however have a bad drinking habit, but it never proved to be anything but silly drunk. He was never angry drunk. At least he never showed it to me.
2 years and nothing happened. I had hopes he would propose soon. I was a senior by that time and he was a Junior at MIT. My family loved him and saw him as the perfect man for me.
Then he became very twisted very quickly. Overnight it seemed he became a totally different person.
I found out later that he was very into bdsm lifestyle. Problem though, I wasn't. or at least I wasn't exposed Properly as they say. He had an agenda for me and it was a scary and terrifying one that I was going to find out sooner than later.
J was a very heavy drinker. It was our thing to stand around the kitchen doing shots all the time. I was pouring him a shot, and I felt something slowly tickle my neck. I thought he was about to be romantic. No. It was a belt. Before I could respond it was looped thorugh and tightened. I tried to scream but it hurt. he was pulling up and I was trying to fight. his hands came over my throat and picked me up by my head. My feet came off the floor and he quickly pushed my face down to hover a few inches from teh eletric range. I thought he was going to do it. He told me I had better Obey or I would have a fate I wouldn't want. I cried I still couldn't move. I remember being thrown back toward the counter and losing my balance. he was facing me now and the look on his face was terrifying. he waws going to hurt me and I knew it. he pushed me against the counter and kept the belt around my neck tight enough to scare me.
I heard voices coming through the door. HIs friends came to visit. THey walked right in. Nobody said a word except to hollar and suggest sick things.
I felt hands everywhere. taking my pants off, up my shirt. Grabbing me anywhere they could. I couldn't see anybody because they were all behind me. I felt J walk around the counter to the other side. my head facing down. he pulls. I'm choking. I try to climb the counter to try to relieve the tension. The hands are everywhere. I cant' climb and protect myself at the same time. something is inside of me. can't tell if it's a finger, an object or what. My legs are bent in a way they're not supposed to be. the Belt is pulled again. I try to keep up but I'm so exhausted. I'm turned over. The guys hurting me were 2 mutual friends from high school that we both hung out with.
Over and over again, I was raped and beaten over and over again. THey wouldn't stop. I don't remember how it ended. I don't remember being carried or dragged into the shower. I know I woke up to being scrubbed with a nail brush and peroxide poured on me. The whole time he just kept asking me, " are you ok? Now respond I'm fine. I always am. " That became my assigned statement anytime somebody asked me how I was doing...or if I was enjoying what was happening...or if I was hurting. 'I'm fine. I always am."
I was too tired to even scream. I just lay there and let him do whatever he was doing. but I'll never forget the burning/stinging. Or the words. Eventually, the burning stopped and it didn't even hurt anymore. Or I became numb to it. Not sure.
I was brought back to my dorm that night, where I nursed myself until I was able to walk and continued on my life. or tried to. Tried to put it behind me. I only ended up failing classes, falling behind and racking up huge credit card debt.
Yes...there was more....More triggering than I expected. Sorry.
A few weeks later, the bruising and soreness went away quite a bit. I was going through the motions, but wasn't truly there. going to classes here and there (mostly not much)...drinking all the time. especially alone. Just so depressed and sad and nobody to tell to help me.
A note slid under my door from one of my floor mates. I still have it in a box I saved from college. Not sure why. I still have our prom picture too.
The note read..."I miss you. We need to talk. I'll be there at 6 to pick you up". I crumbled it up and threw it across the room. Apparently he called, and that was the message he left for one of my floor-mates to pass to me.
You know what? by 5:45 I was sitting in the dorm lobby. Dressed and ready to be picked up. What was wrong with me? Why did I go? I still don't know. How stupid could I have been? I continued going with him over and over and over. He kept hurting me again and again and again. He eventually got his friends involved on a regular basis.
He was only living in Mass. so it wasn't a huge deal for him to come home at least once, sometimes twice a month. and Yes. Every single time. I went. No argument. No fight. I just did whatever I was told.
If he called, me to tell me he would be home, I would be waiting for him in the lobby with my bag for the weekend. Sometimes he brought friends from his school along. If I was picked up from my dorm by him + another at least, I knew it was goign to be a bad weekend. BUT I kept going! I kept going!!!!! Why? I should've just called the police to meet him there. But would they have believed me? Probably not. His mother was a judge and he used that to be sure I knew he had the upper hand.
I know I'm just rambling...but this is MY blog and I need to talk right now. Sorry if you're getting lost and I'm not making much sense.
He picked me up one weekend. I was told not to bring anything. Not even my purse. We wouldn't be gone long. He took me out for a nice dinner and he was almost how I remembered him being.
We drove to a park and just watched the sun-set. then he said he had to stop at his house for a minute before he drove me home. I went in with him.
Immediately, I felt my faced pressed against the door. He shoved me into it. again and again. Somethign was different this time. He was evil. I always knew he was mean and angry. but this time I saw pure evil in him.
He pressed against my back squeezing me against the door. I still remember the door-knob in my rib-cage. His hands are creeping everywhere. I don't even scream. I just stand there as I'm told to do and accept it. Not even a tear. I had endured much worse already. Most of it I don't remember. Just pieces here and there.
I was told to remove my clothes. I did as I was told. I was asked to do an erotic dance. I did as I was told. I was told to put things inside of me. I did as I was told. No tears, no crying, no asking to stop. no pleading. Nothing. NOTHING. NOTHING. I just let this happen.
There I am spread eagle in the livingroom, with a bottle I shoved up inside myself...and his friend walks in. and you know what???? I JUST STAYED THERE. I DIDN'T FLINCH. I DIDN'T MOVE. I JUST WENT ABOUT BUSINESS AS THOUGH NOTHING WAS NEW.
I remember he made some gesture about me toward *J* and a few snickers, but that was it. I was told to stay there and continue on display. AND I DID!!!!! HOW SICK AM I? SICK. DISGUSTING PIG.
His friend came up to me a little while later and of course *J* Gestured to him that it was fine.
Pushed onto the coffee table and pinned down. tied each ankle to the table leg and each one of my wrists to the other table legs.
*J* jsut sat there and drank his drink watching me get r*ped by his friend. I was told to smile. I DID. I was told to tell him h ow much I liked it. I DID. I was told to encourage him to "give it harder". I DID. Talk dirty to him i was told. I tried, but nothing came out right. Talking dirty sounds so stupid as it leaves your own lips I found out. I started laughing. I remember this very distinctively.
There I was, tied to a table. Being raped and There I was laughing hysterically. I couldn't stop. i laughed so hard tears rolled off my cheeks. My stomach was burning and it was echoing thorugh the house.
*J* pushed his friend off me and whispered something in my ear he was going to do to me if I didn't behave. I laughed even harder!
I seriously couldn't stop. *J* then unzipped his pants and started to push into me hard. I remember it being so hard I thought I was going to split. I KEPT LAUGHING. A bottle smashed against the side of the coffee table near my head. I KEPT LAUGHING. a gun was facing right in my face. I KEPT LAUGHING. I was to the point I didn't even know what I was laughing at anymroe, just that I couldn't stop.
The whole room was the ugliest shade of Country blue I had ever seen. It's the same color as my Dr.'s office waiting room. ugly. I remember him raping me and I just stared off into space at this ugly blue couch next to me. watching the pattern move. The laughing eventually stopped. he didn't. Neither did his friend.
When they finally decided they were done for the night, they untied me and instead of the typical nursing of any injuries, I was walked out to the back porch in January, where they decided to hose me off. I swear that was worse than being raped. I think I even begged for them to do it by that time.
I was pulled in, frozen. Given a cup of something to warm me up. Soemthing with some very cheap strong whiskey in it. All of a sudden, I didn't feel so good. The room was spinning.
I was being walked back outside. Pleading no, I promise I wont' laugh. All I heard was 'ssshhhhh" quietly. even gently. It's funny. I pleaded not to go out int he cold, but I didn't evey try to not get myself R@ped.
My hands were tied behind me. a Blindfold went on. i feel cold metal and something hard. It was the trunk of his car. I was actually being put into the trunk of a car. I wish they would've just left me to die int eh snow but no. They decide to continue their fun elsewhere. ELSEWHERE. I don't even know where.
I have to stop or I'm going to be up all night. Who am I kidding? I'm going to be up all night anyway.