Pandora's Aquarium: Can't take this anymore....(triggering) - Pandora's Aquarium

I left work early AGAIN today. I haven't worked a full 40 hour week in 5 months. It looks really bad...but you know what? I don't give a damn. Fire me! It may be a blessing in disguise! I just can't stand the feeling of the anxiety and panic attacks coming on in the office. As soon as I feel my heart start to race I make an excuse to leave rather than breathing it out and staying. I'd rather the ridicule that I'm a shit employee, than suffer the consequences of embarassing myself.

My boss came up to me today a little too quietly and I had my startle reflex in full SWING. Literally. I almost hit her. I could tell she was scared. I just couldn't gather myself after that. Teh rest of the day was just a waste of time.

So...during one of the "events" I like to call it. I was told to repeat over and over that I was a "Useless piece of A**". Starting to believe he was right. I can barely hold a job anymore. If I can't bring income into the household....that's exactly what I'm becoming.

I told my motherin law that I was in an abusive relationship before my marriage. No specifics...Just left it at the word "abusive". She was shocked but she understood. very kind woman. I hate to get close to her. I'm afraid of the day I lose her. I've lost everyone that ever mattered to me except my husband and babies.

I'm slowly falling apart. I can't hold myself together anymore and I'm disgusting myself to the point I can't even look in the mirror anymore. Not going into any chat rooms this evening for specific reasons. Probably just get barred from them eventually anyway.

Sometimes when my T looks at me, I can't help but feel like he doesn't believe me. That was always the trend. No matter who I told, there was a question of doubt. It's just not fair. Why does my "event" have to be so crazy that it can't even be believable? it happened and I know it doid. Even more happened than what I remember and that's the scary part. if I'm only remembering what I can handle right now....then what else did that bastard do to me that I'm blocking? IT's all so scary to me.

I know this entry was all over the place. Just tossing my random thoughts.

all I do is just sit and cry. had to pull over this morning because I cried so hard I couldn't see where I was driving. Just so depressed and upset about it all. I'm carrying the shame of what he did. Not him. He went on to be successful, publish a book etc. and I can't hold a F*****ng job.

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All I can see is the bathtub full of icewater. He used the icewater to throw me in and hold me down for 15 minutes after a bad beating to get the swelling down. I never had much swelling or bruising because he was very good about "taking care of me" afterwards. drying me off with the towel and kissing me gently telling me he would get me warm quickly. Why couldn't he be like that with me all the time?

I just can't keep going like this. I can barely keep a straight thought or finish a sentence without going off on another tangent. This entry clearly reflects how my mind is operating lately. definately not suitable for a career.

going to bed now...but I'll probably be back soon enough. I can't sleep lately either.