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Seanna likes this

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07 May 2011
Posted by Seanna  
Re-Organizing my blogs. Sorry to re-post.
:trigger: :trigger: :trigger: :trigger: :trigger:

All the things he did to me keep running through my head. I figured I'd compile a list rather than tell the story because I'm obviously not ready for that...and as I told my Therapist yesterday....I don't think he's ready for it...
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Posted by Seanna   in Uncategorized, TRIGGERING
I left work early AGAIN today. I haven't worked a full 40 hour week in 5 months. It looks really bad...but you know what? I don't give a damn. Fire me! It may be a blessing in disguise! I just can't stand the feeling of the anxiety and panic attacks coming on in the office. As soon as I feel my heart start to race I make an...
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Tags: rambling

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Posted by Seanna  
I had a nasty therapy session. Going back to the bathtub. It is such an awful room. Big basin of water made for the pure use of torture & abuse.

I began flashing back in therapy then managed to regain control and brought myself back right away....but I was so angry. I'm still too mad to sleep.

Therapist wants to try to work through my...
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Losing my job...I think

26 April 2011
Posted by Seanna  
Well, I've been so out of it at work that I can't get motivated to do too much. I just kind of sit there staring at my computer screen losing track of time. one of my co-workers that i consider a friend mentioned it to me today and asked me..."are you Trying to get fired?" apparently it's that obvious.

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Easter & No Guests. :(

24 April 2011
Posted by Seanna   in Uncategorized, FAMILY DYSFUNCTION
Well, today is Easter, and it's My holiday to host for my family. Since my mother passed, each of us girls take a holiday and host it to keep the fmaily tight. Well, since I went off on my rampage in October, I have barely spoken to any of my 3 sisters.

Easter is my Holiday to host. Even though they all let me know way back in January they...
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Posted by Seanna  
Ok, I'm going to go on a rambling rant right now. I have my therapy session tomorrow. He gave me an assignment last week. Pick ONE thing about what happened and talk about it this week. Horrible assignment. First of all...How the hell do I pick only 1? I can't remember things completely in cronological order, so how can I remember one...
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Rough night.

16 April 2011
Posted by Seanna  
Fell out of bed last night having a nightmare and hurt my shoulder.

Hubby tried to comfort me and I just fell apart. I feel like this isn't fair to him. He didn't sign up for this. I thought I was doing ok. Moved on for all these years...now all of a sudden I can't handle it. He sure as hell didn't expect all this.

I'm...
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Posted by Seanna  
I logged on this evening to vent about my husband, to have a fun laugh as usual etc. Not realizing that I was that close to the edge. I apologize to everyone that was in chat this evening with me. I did not mean to hurt anyone or trigger anyone if I did.

I entered the room not realizing I was in as bad of a place as I was.

For that I'm...
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Both of Me

04 April 2011
Posted by Seanna  
Written about the frame of mind I was in when it was happening...

VERY TRIGGERING.

[spoiler]Sitting alone, listening to my thoughts
"Why didn't you try; he could've been stopped"

The Voices they yell at me to tell me again
"Your alone in this mess - it's your bed to lie in"


The...
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Posted by Seanna  
I'm learning that the only way I seem to be able to communicate is by writing and by poetry. Thank you Pandy's for showing me this skill.

He's no longer with me in a physical way
The memories will stay with me the rest of my days.





:trigger:











Sound of the door locking
his footsteps are near
heart flutters in...
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Posted by Seanna  
I had an emergency Therapy session today. Called the office & made an appointment for later in the day. I was having panic attacks and phantom pain and this irrisistable urge to SI. I called when I found myself rummaging through my desk for anything I could find.

How do you get t hrough a t session if you can't talk about it? What's...
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Posted by Seanna  
BEST FRIEND
"It's Only a Memory. It's not real". - she was trying but the words came out so wrong. We laugh about this one still to this day.
"Why didn't you come to me right after it happened? I would've gotten you stoned!" Really? THAT would have helped at that moment?

"No Use...
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Posted by Seanna  
Ok. I am officially on day 5 of anxiety and panic duress. I have had a new flashback each day to deal with. It is all coming back so quickly now; I can't help but pray..."Ok, this si the end of the story, right? Please?" Then another day passes and something pops into my head. WHY. 15 years later. I was doing so well.

My 5 year...
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Quoting from Bailey

25 March 2011
Posted by Seanna  
I'm a huge Greys Anatomy fan. I remember distinctively, one episode where Bailey told Merideth and Izzie to "Stuff all that emotion back in".

I wish it was so easy. I've been typing this blog, trying to think of how to say whats running through my mind and instead...I end up quoting Greys Anatomy. If you read this post,...
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Posted by Seanna  
My T suggested I begin a journal about my feelings, experiences etc. One problem with that. I have a Kindergardener that loves to "practice" reading everything he can find. This seems to be the safest place for my private thoughts....At least until he becomes computer literate.

Not even sure what I'm supposed to put in here. T...
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