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Donna Mae DePola - Guest Speaker Chat ...May 25th 2013 ... for more information please read this!

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Seanna likes this
Posted by Seanna  
Why won't he leave me alone? I don't want to live in my memories anymore. I have a right to live my life like a normal person without threat or fear. He won't let that happen. Why must he send me periodic warnings to keep quiet. That's what the vandalism was I believe. A warning to quit talking. Or a warning to never tell....
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I hate spring

17 February 2013
Posted by Seanna   in TRIGGERING, FLASH-BACKS, MEMORY, SELF LOATHE
spring is that season of dread. I can smell the old dead leaves left from the fall. The crispness of the cold air mixing with the mud. The temperature is too cold to go without a coat, but maybe to run into a store it'll be ok without one.


The color of the sky. that white/gray color at all times. even on sunny days. it reminds me of...
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Back again....

10 February 2013
Posted by Seanna  
Here I am. Back again. I can't take hte pressure, the stress, the anxiety the Flashbacks or the nightmares. I'm drowning in my own misery right now and there's nobody to help keep my head above water. I feel so very alone iwth this. Hubby tries to be patient with me. but I kow he also feels I should be better able to handle this by...
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I disgust My disguise

21 May 2012
Posted by Seanna  
I'm just feeling so lost and overwhelmed. Nobody sees me.all they see is the person that I allow to be seen. The problem is that i've become such a God actress that nobody knows who I really am.... Including myself. This costume that I put on every qmorning to function like a normal human...has everybody fooled and has confused me...
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Posted by Seanna  
Having a difficult time lately. Tried to just walk away from it all for a while in hopes it would all get re-buried. That doesn't work at all by the way.

I see scott almost every day. His son and my son are in the same Kindergarten class and they are best buddy's. I have to control my emotions, flashbacks, panic every day when I pick...
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Began SI'ing again.

09 January 2012
Posted by Seanna  
I'm a complete failure. I have fallen behind in every single bill of my household over the past few months. Received a forclosure notice on my home, I'm hiding from creditors, I lapsed on my car insurance & stealing mail from my mailbox to snag stuff before my husband finds it.

I've stooped to new lows and it hurts me so badly...
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Posted by Seanna   in FLASH-BACKS
Ok, so I admit, Christmas is hard for me. I miss my mom. I am a procrastinator with 3 babies to play santa for. My stress level is extremely high.

This morning, I went out to start the car for my husband because he was running late for work. As soon as the cold frost air hit me, i began to feel nauseated. I started his car and tried to breathe...
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Posted by Seanna  
I haven't written in a long long time. I thought maybe Pandy's was the reason I was re-gressing. Kind of like purposely living in that time of my life rather than moving on. I took a LOOOOOOng break but it didn't help. I'm back now.

More and more memories are coming back. So many I wanted to remember when I first began, but knew...
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Posted by Seanna  
Updated December 19, 2011. Ok.....No change. I still carry the entire load of guilt for what happened to me. I thought I was supposed to start shifting the blame on them by now. Instead I seem to be accepting more and more and more.

Updated around Thanksgiving So It's been almost 2 months since I wrote this entry... I'm...
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Working with 2 psychologists.

19 September 2011
Posted by Seanna  
Ok. one psychologist was for stress and anxiety, and he also helped me with the SA quite a bit....THEN he suggested I see a woman to see if it would help me with my past.

Well, I've been going to her for 2 months now and I jsut can't open up to her at all.

i don't know why. She's very nice, and she specializes in abuse....Hell,...
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Updated 12/19 SEANNA'S CREED

06 September 2011
Posted by Seanna  
Updated 12/19: We've had a death in the family since I wrote this, and had to come face to face with the witches of the west. They were cordial with me, and I still want nothing to do with them. I read my creed to myself before I went and then again in the car before I walked into the funeral home. They could've said anything to...
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Posted by Seanna   in HAPPY STUFF
Posted Image
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Source: [url=http://pandys.org/forums/index.php?showtopic=184608&view=findpost&p=1475071]My Babies...

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August 14, 2011

15 August 2011
Posted by Seanna  
I'm just not sure how much more of this I can take. The memories and flashbacks won't stop. I started SI'ing again. Severe. Should have medical attention but they would only 302 me. How could I have done this to myself?

I'm at such a loss with myself right now. My real estate classes were a bust. Failed failed failed. how am I...
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BPD video link

11 August 2011
Posted by Seanna   in MENTAL ISSUES
BPD Disorder Link. No light at the end of my tunnel I see in the near future.


BPD VIDEO

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Posted by Seanna   in SELF LOATHE, TRIGGERING
I'm just feeling so low today. Having uncontrollable urges to SI. No reason...just having difficulties controlling it. I haven't...YET. But not sure how long I can resist this addiction.

New memories surfaced last night in my dreams. I just can't handle any more of this right now. I'm just so depressed and full of toxic anxiety....
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Untrusted

08 August 2011
Posted by Seanna   in FAMILY DYSFUNCTION
Ok, so I started writing my story chapter by chapter like my therapist asked...writing a small paragraph explaining how I feel yada yada yada after each one. Made it to my 19th birthday party. Then just stopped. I can't seem to get past it.

My family did nothing. How could they claim they loved me so much when they couldn't see I was...
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Letter to J

27 July 2011
Posted by Seanna  
Dear "J".

Why did you do this to me? Do you realize what you even did? I'm afraid to be alone...yet too afraid to be with people at the same time. I jump, swing and scream at the smallest surprise. I can't go into aa public bathroom stall without my heart racing.

My babies want to swim. I can't take them in the water. THe...
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Posted by Seanna  
so I'm typing this from my journal, so it's going to be kind of long, but I wanted to make sure i got it all before I forgot the key points of the argument. The story isn't triggering except for 1 part, and I did put a Trigger warning right before it. It is regarding a priest just in case anyone just continues to move forward.....and...
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Posted by Seanna   in FAMILY DYSFUNCTION
OK. So....some quick background....

Blew up at my family back in october. Havent seen anyone since January. I've apologized for things said etc. but I still am treated like the outcast of the family. I've come to terms with that and I'm kind of ok with it...but they're still my siblings. (our parents are both...
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Posted by Seanna   in FLASH-BACKS, MEMORY, POETRY, STORY, TRIGGERING
THE BOAT

[i][font="Palatino Linotype"]Wrists bound together, Up over my head
Tied to the Table as a makeshift bed.
A Knock at the door, Some whispering I hear
An Officer Enters, Show of relief through a tear.

I plead for his help, To untie me to be free,
He removes his hat & credentials and places them on top of the TV.
My...
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Seanna likes this

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