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In pain

Posted by Lucchia , 17 May 2011 · 47 views

I still cannot believe what is happening. My cousin has leukemia, advanced leukemia. Was diagnosed sometime around March, but my mother told me on Sunday (I suspect it kind of slipped, cuz she wanted to hide it later), Dunno if she was planning to hide it until he died or what. He's 26...it's insane. There's not much else I can say other than I really want to kick the world in the a*s. I'm angry at God right now, I don't even know if he exists. I'm not too sure. I cannot believe there is a God who lets people die. I'm me, an idiotic suicidal individual who doesn't even want to live, and I have a healthy body, it is not eating itself. And he, who is full of life, he wants to live so bad, he's dying. And I don't even want to live and I'm not the one who's sick.
This is stupid. I don't get it. It hasn't even been a year since my gamma died from brain cancer...and now he's dying from freaking leukemia. Makes sense? No. Should it? No. Does it have a purpose? No. THEN WHY?!

I am so sorry. And I am sorry your mother took so long to tell you. I have struggled with this too, feeling like I should not be feeling like I am, being suicidal or whatnot when people are dying. But you have pain that is emotionally eating you inside and it is okay to feel the way you do.. And no it does not make sense.

November 2014

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The two times I wrote here, it was out of anger. It was to vent. I'm a weird person, I know that, but please, please, if you comment, use R, T and only safe hugs. I know it sounds weird, but that's part of the way I cope with this.

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