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And then it hit me...I started thinking about what happened. And then I really wanted to cry, I really did. But I couldn't let my sister know that I wanted to cry, so that's why I didn't cry in front of her. And my parents never realized, so I couldn't cry in front of them and let them ridicule me because I started to cry. They treated it like nothing many times before, so I know they would do it again, and it would break my heart. They went to their room and fell asleep. And now I'm crying while writing this, trying to hold it in so it won't show in my words so I'm not weak in front of whoever reads this. But I want to cry, I feel hurt. I don't even have my T, who would just sit there and listen to what I said. She couldn't do anything about it, but at least she listened to what I said. And gave me advice. That was one topic she dealt fine with...she understood. And she's not here anymore. And I have no one here anymore. There's no one I can talk to about this right now and there won't be anymore. BEcause my parents don't care, because my sister hits me and her husband doesn't care either, and because my best friend is probably on a date with her boyfriend. ANd plus I can't call her, because I'll wake my parents with my crying. THERE'S NO ONE. I can't do this anymore...my sister doesn't live with us anymore, but still, she has time to do this when she comes. Each time she comes, she does something of the sort. And my parents always invite her, like the two idiots they are. And I'm left at their mercy. BECAUSE THEY ALL WILL NOT MOVE A FINGER FOR ME. THERE'S NO ONE HERE WHO WILL DEFEND ME. I HAVE NO ONE AT HOME. God. I wish I did. I feel incredibly alone right now, and I want to let it all out. And I can't.
The worst thing is that, not long ago, the last time that my grandmother was here (mother's mother, my other grams died last year, bless her), she tried to hit me too, but couldn't. She's old and I'm stronger than her so I grabbed her by the arm adn stopped her. SHe still said that she should have hit me, cuz I did something bad (I swore...big deal). I'm starting to think that I should be hit..I don't know why my own family always wants to hit me. What is it about me that makes ppl wanna hit me? Is there something wrong with me? Am I doing something that's not ok? I don't want this to happen anymore, if it's something I'm doing I wanna stop doing it. But I'm doing nothing wrong, so it must be something that's wrong with me. And that makes me deserve it.
And I'm imagining myself telling this to someone, anyone. And that someone hugging me. And hugging me while I cry. But there's no one.